The SoapBoxers

This article is completely fictional.  I have a great deal of respect for the real-life Strasburg.  Strasburg transformed himself, through hard work, from an undrafted high school player to the consensus top prospect in this year’s baseball draft.

San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg is certain to be a top selection in June’s baseball draft.  We at The Soap Boxers are big baseball fans, so we had reporter Scoop Chevelle hop on the first plane headed west to catch up with Strasburg in San Diego.  The interview got off to a bit of a rough start, as Scoop was unable to find Strasburg at the Aztec training facility or his apartment.  Finally, Scoop’s bloodhound instincts sniffed out Strasburg at the beach.  Strasburg was hesitant to interupt a leisurely day in the sun, but Scoop prevailed and Strasburg eventually agreed to an interview.

Scoop: Stephen, there have been reports that your agent, Scott Boras, is asking for a contract upwards of $50 million.  Many observers consider this to be an obscene amount of money for a kid who has never toed the mound in a professional game.  What do you have to say to those critics?

Strasburg:  Well, Scoopy,  it’s definitely a boatload of cash.  On the flip side, though, take a look at some of my newspaper clippings.  Oh, darn, I left my scrapbook in my room.  Well, anyway, there are a bunch of writers who are saying that I’m a once-in-a-decade prospect.  Last year’s #1 pick, Tim Beckham, signed for $6.15 million.  A once-in-a-decade talent is obviously worth ten times that amount.  The math is pretty simple – my fair market value is $61.5 million.  Who can blame Mr. Boras for asking for $50 million?  In my opinion, he’s being rather generous with the discount.

Scoop: Well, that’s definitely an interesting way to look at it.  The Washington Senators, er Nationals, have the top pick in the draft.  Do you expect them to select you with that pick?

Strasburg: No, certainly not.  Mr. Boras had some preliminary discussions with the team, but negotiations broke down over the non-financial terms.

Scoop: Wow, that’s incredible news.  Tell us, Stephen, what was the sticking point?

Strasburg: Well, as you know, I have always had an interest in politics.  I’m a public administration major, and always wanted to leverage my education into a spot in the US Senate.  Washington, as it turns out, is the home of the federal government.  Since the Capitol has spots for 100 senators, I thought that the Nationals could find a way to get me appointed to one of the seats.  Perhaps the vacant Minnesota seat.  They kept yammering about things like “abuse of power” and “age requirements”.  After a while, Mr. Boras and I realized that the Nationals simply weren’t going to negotiate in good faith, so we broke off the talks.

Scoop: Well, then, where might we  expect to  see you land?

Strasburg: The Pirates, Scoop.

Scoop: The Pittsburgh Pirates, Stephen?  Is that some sort of a joke?

Strasburg: Well, they wouldn’t be the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Team officials are working with the mayor to change the name of the city to Strasburg, Pennsylvania.  Clearly, this is a team that has been fighting a lot of bad luck over the last few years, and they are destined for a breakout.  Hopefully I can pitch well enough down the stretch to get them to the World Series this year.

Scoop: Yes, that would definitely be quite the achievement.  Well, Stephen, it has been great talking to you.  I’m absolutely famished.  Where’s a good place to eat around here?

Straburg: Well, there’s Tony Gwynn’s bar and grill.  They have a half pound burger – all lean meat with no bull.  They call it the Strasburger …

Like this article?  You might enjoy Scoop’s interview with Manny Ramirez from last winter.

Club Deli is located in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  As the name may suggest, the main fare consists of deli sanwiches, although they always have two soups cooking (one of which is chili), as well as pasta.  Cookies are available for guests with a sweet tooth.

Customer service

I eat at Club Deli perhaps once every two weeks, and sometimes the gaps are even longer.  Nonetheless, the guy behind the counter always knows what I want – 1/2 a #17 (ham and swiss) on croissant.  The half sandwiches are a good size, expecially if you’re having soup with your sandwich.  When the sandwhich gets passed along to the gal who does the toppings, she usually knows the correct toppings as well – mayo, onions, salt, pepper, and a pickle spear on the side.  I’m not an exception, either – they remember these details for everyone in my group – quite impressive.  The guy who serves as order taker and meat and cheese provider often tries (jokingly) to convince me to change my predictable order to something different.  Nope – there’s no point messing up a good thing.

Quality ingredients

Many delis use meats and cheese that are pre-sliced.  At least one large national chain even has the meats in pre-measured quantities.  There is none of this at Club Deli.  When you order your sandwich, they slice the meat and cheese right there.  I’m particularly fond of the swiss cheese.  I’m a big fan of swiss cheese, and it can be hard to find in a lot of places, with many delis using provolone as their token “white cheese”.  The sandwiches cost a bit more than you would pay at one of the fast food sub places, but the fresh, high quality ingredients more than offset the cost difference.

The chili is flat out awesome.  There are hundreds of different ways to make chili, and the chili at Club is made precisely the way I like it.  If you’re ever at Club Deli, definitely give the chili a try – you won’t regret it.

Other cool stuff

You just might bump into a celebrity.  A few months ago, we were eating our lunch and college wrestling legend Dan Gable walked in.  Gable lost only one bout in college at Iowa State (in the national title match as a senior).  He then ran roughshod over the competition in the 1972 Munich Olympics en route to a gold medal.  He followed this up by building a college wrestling juggernaut at the University of Iowa (to the dismay of Iowa State alums).  Wrestling is not my favorite sport, but since Iowa has two great wrestling programs, I do pay attention to it.  Seeing a living legend was very cool.  Nope, I didn’t bug him for an autograph.

If you didn’t have a cookie earlier – or even if you did – you can buy some candy as you leave.  Toss a couple of quarters into the jar and snag some chocolate or even a Tootsie Pop.  Does anything chase down ham, swiss cheese, and chili better than chocolate?

I have a collection of a couple hundred CDs.  Sometimes a track buried deep on an album will strike my fancy, while other times I’ll enjoy the music of an unknown (or lesser known) artist.  Today, I’m going to share musical diamonds in the rough.  I place a lot of emphasis on lyrics – a good story line can hook me on a song.

Rough diamonds from popular artists

The Cheap Seats – Alabama.  “This town ain’t big, this town ain’t small, it’s a little of both they say.  Our ball club may be minor league, but at least it’s triple A …”  Thus begins my favorite baseball song, performed by my favorite group.  This song should be the anthem for true fans of baseball everywhere.  They have to be talking about Des Moines, right – a middle sized town in the midwest that has a AAA team? 🙂

Hurricane – Bob Dylan .  This song – not Blowin’ In The Wind or The Times They Are A-Changin’ – is my favorite Dylan song.  It is the story of boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter.  Carter was convicted of murder in 1967, but question were raised about his guilt and his conviction was set aside in 1985 based on a judge’s decision that racism played  a major role in the prosecution.  Carter’s story was later featured in the movie Hurricane, featuring Denzel Washington.  The original version of the song is more than eight a half minutes long and packs quite a story into the lyrics (although Dylan took considerable poetic license when writing the song).

I Will Play for Gumbo – Jimmy Buffett.  I love Buffett’s classics (Margaritaville, Cheeseburger in Paradise, Fins, etc) but this fun song pays homage to a popular cajun dish on Buffet’s 1999 album Beach House on the Moon.  The album also contains one of my favorite lyric snippets (from the song I Don’t Know and I Don’t Care) – “Therapy is extremely expensive.  Poppin’ bubblie wrap is radically cheap.”

See Jane Dance – Brooks & Dunn.  Another fun song, but this one probably doesn’t have the best moral.  The song tells the story of Jane beginning her career by winning an amateur night “dancing” contest and escalating to the point where Jane’s dancing career has put her in a position to retire comfortably at a very early age (a couple million in the bank by the time she’s 31).  A bit of a risque topic for the country duo.

Which One of Them – Garth Brooks.  This song was a bonus song that was added to Ropin’ The Wind when Garth’s albums were released as a box set (each disc had an extra song that was not originally on the album).  Garth tells us the tale of a man who is being pursued by two woman at a dance – but neither of them can replace the woman that the man desires.

Paperback Writer – The Beatles.  Is it really fair to include a song that hit #1 on this list?  Sure, why not – I’m making the rules!  As an aspiring novelist myself, the story of a man struggling to sell his novel has always been one of my favorite songs.  By the way, if you don’t own the “1” compilation by The Beatles, buy it!  27 top hits are shoehorned onto one disc.

Songs from lesser known artists

1969 – Keith Stegall.  Songwriter/producer Keith Stegall has released two albums of his own – a self titled album in 1985 and Passages in 1996.  I stumbled across Passages in a used CD store, and it quickly became a favorite album of mine – it’s packed with great songs.  (Hey, Keith, it’s been another decade – how about another album?)  1969 tells the story of a kid who was rejected by the army because he was married and then swung the other way and attempted to become a hippie.

Just Enough Rope – Rick Trevino.  Trevino had some popularity in the 90s before separating from his label in order to pursue a different musical direction.  Just Enough Rope is a metaphorical song, with the man being a yo-yo on a string who is given “just enough rope” by a woman.  English and bilingual (English and Spanish) versions can be found on Rick’s self-titled album.

Under the Kudzu – Shenandoah.  This  song was the title track on the group’s 1993 album.  It romanticizes the kudzu vine that is universally despised in the south by tying it in to a long family history on a plot of land – and the susequent loss of the farm.

One Eyed Dan (the Fiddlin’  Man) – Tim Briggs.  Briggs’ career was unfortunately derailed by personal issues.  His self titled 1998 release featured a few cool songs.  One Eyed Dan is a song with a lot of fiddling, which is always a plus in my book.  Cold Budweiser and Sweet ‘Tater and She’s a Country Girl are also very good songs.

Riding with Private Malone – David Ball.  I first heard this song while driving back to Illinois after attending my brother’s funeral.  My brother was a retired marine who died of heart disease at an early age.  Riding With Private Malone doesn’t really tell a story that fits the relationship of myself and my brother, but there is the superficial military connection, and that made it strike a cord on that particular day.  The song is about how the spirit of a soldier killed in Vietnam saves the life of a man who purchased his 1966 Corvette 30 years later.

Leaving October Behind – Sons of the Desert.  Sons of the Desert was my second favorite group (behind only Alabama) when they were active.  Unfortunately they dissolved, but member Drew Womack later launched a solo career.  Leaving October Behind is the sad tale of a widower who can usually handle the absence of his wife – but is overcome with emotions when autumn begins – because his wife died in October.

Wine into Water – T. Graham Brown.  This song is the story of a recovering alcholic who is battling his demons and asking Jesus to perform the opposite of the miracle at Cana and turn the wine into water (not literally – but to give him the strength to overcome the addiction).  There are some other good songs on this album (also titled Wine into Water) including the quirky Memphis Women and Chicken (which, interestingly, can also be found on the Tim Briggs album).

Rodeo Man – Ronna Reeves.  I’m one of a select group of people who own all 5 of Ronna’s CDs – 4 country albums and a 5th album that crossed over into pop.  She never had a top 40 song, but I like her songs.  Rodeo Man is a warning to women to not have their hearts stolen by a cowboy.

Five O’Clock Shadow, Brandon Howard.  Brandon puts a new definition on the term “five o’clock shadow”. In this song, the term refers to a man’s daughter who sticks close to him after they are finished with their day of work and school. The song is the sentimental tale of a daughter’s hero worship of her daddy and the father’s love for his daughter. 

Brandon has a lower profile than the other artists mentioned in this article, but his debut album Static (2002) is definitely an enjoyable record to listen to, if you can manage to get your hands on a copy. Static and She Don’t Need a Diamond are two other tracks that I really enjoy from this album. Brandon is working on an article about his experiences in the music industry that will be featured in a future edition of The Soap Boxers.

What are some songs that you consider to be underappreciated diamonds in the rough?  Please share!

Retractable roofs have been all the rage in “American Sports”. We have seen a number of baseball stadiums incorporate this type of feature to prevent the rain outs that so many fans as well as vendors hate. Heck even the Arizona Cardinals in the National Football League one upped the retractable roof with the retractable field …. one that slides in and out of the stadium to allow for better growing of turf conditions in the hot and dry desert climate.

Now retractable roofs have hit the big time. That is right; tennis has recently seen this rage as well. It caused quite a stir earlier this year when a match in the Australian Open was put on hold. Earlier this January a mid match decision to close the roof in a match between Svetlana Kuznetsova and Serena Williams may have cost Kuznetsova a spot in the Semi’s.

The decision was made to close the roof as temperatures had the mercury popping in the mid day sun. In the past temperatures have been reported as high as 140 degrees Fahrenheit during matches in Melbourne.

Now Wimbledon has recently installed a similar roof contraption over the Centre Court, allowing for the normal gray and gloomy British conditions to be held at bay, and allow uninterrupted play at least on the feature court, during the tournament.

Fifteen Thousand Spectators turned out to watch exhibition matches involving Andre Agassi, Steffi Graf, Kim Clijsters and Tim Henman. This allowed Wimbledon to try out the new digs at the All England Tennis Club. Reportedly, when the structure came together, a round of applause broke out. Closing the new roof was timed in a smooth 7 minute and 4 seconds. Not exactly fast as the traffic on the M40, but at the same time a very acceptable time frame that does not amount to a whole lot more than an extended break between service sets.

One of the biggest worries was the new air control system. Not that the folks here in Jolly ol England will have to worry about the heat like they do down under in January, but lets face it, 15,000 rabid tennis fans in an enclosed building is about as steamy of an atmosphere as you can get. No sense having all those folks uncomfortable in the “closed roof” temperature would hit say 75 degrees or so.

So that gets us halfway home for the Grand Slam venues … but wait! The French Tennis Federation has started making plans for a new retractable roof to cover the Phillippe Chatrier Court at the Roland Garros tennis complex. It is slated for completion in time for the 2011 French Open championships.

And, here at home, USTA officials have also drawn up plans for a roof to cover the US Open’s Arthur Ashe stadium at Flushing Meadows, N.Y., after last year’s Men’s Final had to be moved to the third Monday of the tournament after weekend rain delays.

Thank goodness they can’t build domed golf courses for the PGA Tour!

Auto dealers

Nearly 2000 auto dealers were informed by GM or Chrylser of the manufacturer’s plans to terminate franchise agreements.  The impact to GM and Chrysler is not likely to be very large.  For example, 90% of Chrysler’s sales volume come from about 50% of their dealers.  Stand this stat on its head, and it tells you that Chrysler could terminate agreements with half their dealers and lose only 10% of their revenue.  For the dealers affected – many of them longtime family businesses – the impact will be much larger.  Some dealerships were diversified with agreements with multiple manufacturers and should be able to make up some of the shortfall by focusing on selling the other brands.  Others, however, had all their eggs in one manufacturer’s basket and will simply be unable to sell new cars unless they are able to procure a franchise agreement with another manufacturer.

Gay marriage

Gay marriage continues to be a hot topic.  California’s supreme court is set to rule on whether or not to overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage that was enacted by proposition 8.  The court overturned the previous ban on gay marriage last May.  New Hampshire’s governor has said that he would approve a gay marriage bill if the legislature changes the bill to allow certain protections for churches.  The legislature will vote on the altered bill this week.  Gay marriage is being debated in several other states.  Currently, gay marriage is legal is 6 states – California, Connececticut, Iowa, Maine, Massachussetts,and Vermont.  Once this numbers gets to about 15, I think there will be a tidal wave of states that pass bill allowing it.  With Democrats (who are bigger proponents of gay rights) in control in many states, this would be the ideal time for them to move forward with gay marriage bills, expecially with a currently high level of public support.

Governors and Senators

Republican senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson has decided resign in order to run for governor in 2010.  On the flip side, Florida governor Charlie Crist has decided to run for senate in 2010.  As critical as Florida has been in recent elections, a Democratic pickup in the Florida governorship could be just what the Dems need to tilt the balance a bit more to the left.

On the Bunning front, Kentucky Republican senator Jim Bunning has decided that he will indeed run for re-election, in spite of previous reports to the contrary.  Ron Paul’s son, Rand, may join in the fray in the Republican primary.  Circle this one as a race to watch.  Hall of Fame pitcher Bunning has become an embarrasment for his party, and his won party make seek to undermine his efforts at re-election.  Bunning narrowly won in 2004 and would likely lose to a strong Democratic challenger.

Farrah Fawcett

There’s another reason to like Farrah Fawcett.  She became convinced that someone at UCLA medical center was leaking her medical records to the press.  In order to confirm her suspicions, she intentionally withheld news from her family and friends when her cancer returned in 2007.  When the information found its way to the National Enquirer, Fawcett knew that someone at UCLA was the source.  An investigation found that employee Lawanda Jackson was responsible for the leaks.  Jackson was convicted, but died of cancer before she could be sentenced.

Fawcett’s actions have raised awareness of the seriousness of patient privacy and the need for harsh penalties for those who breach that privacy.

Note: inaccurate information regarding the California Supreme Court has been corrected.

Golf

My favorite golfer, Iowa native and 2007 Masters champion Zach Johnson, shot a course record 60 in the third round of the Texas Open.  That’s just one shot off the PGA record of 59, which has been accomplished just three times in the history of the PGA.  The dream round vaulted Johnson from a seven shot deficit to a three shot lead.  A long rain delay caused play to be halted before all players had completed the third round.  The third round will be completed and the fourth round will be played today.

NASCAR

This is Tony Stewart’s first year as driver-owner, and he became a co-owner of Stewart-Haas racing during the off-season.  Many experts felt that it would take Stewart and teammate Ryan Newman a bit of time to get comfortable with their new team (similar to the way they felt Stewart would struggle last year with Toyotas).  Stewart has proved them wrong to this point, as he is second in point, just behind Jeff Gordon.  Newman is also having a good year, eight in points.  On Saturday, Stewart picked up his first win of the year in NASCAR’s All-Star race.  It doesn’t count for anything in the standings, of course.  There is a cash prize for the winner, though – a million bucks.  Seriously, you could put Tony in a Yugo and he might win a race for you.  Dude can drive.

Horses

Jockey Calvin Borel shocked many observers (including kosmo) by jumping from Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird onto Kentucky Oaks winner filly Rachel Alexandra.  The move paid off, with Rachel Alexandra holding off Mine The Bird to win the Preakness.  Observers were left to speculate whether Mine That Bird would have been the victor had Borel been aboard.  Borel can’t win the Triple Cown, but he does stand a chance of being abord the winners of all three Triple Crown races this year.

NBA

The two teams that many experts assumed would face off in the NBA finals are instead facing elimination in the conference semi-finals.  The Boston Celtics, playing without Kevin Garnett, are being tested by the Orlando Magic.  On the other side of the country, Kobe Bryant is trying to push his L.A. Lakers past a Houston Rockets team that is playing surprisingly well without All-Star center Yao Ming and fellow big man Dikembe Mutombo, both of who are out for the playoffs with injuries (Mutombo has announced that he will retire.)

Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps jumped back into the pool and promptly lost.  He finished second in a 100 meter backstroke race to Aaron Piersol.  Piersol is no slouch, though – he is the world record holder and two time defending Olympic Champion in the event.  Phelps is making major changes to his program and will be featuring a different array of events in the 2012 Olympics.  After the 2012 Olympics, I expect him spend his retirement years playing golf in Florida with other retirees.  Or maybe not.

Raul Ibanez

36 year old Raul Ibanez of the Phillies is off to a very hot start, hitting .368 with 13 homers and 35 RBI and a sky-high 1.168 OPS.  The raw numbers may be shocking, but the fact that Ibanez has excelled after moving from Seattle to Philadelphia should not be a surprise.  Phildadelphia is a much better hitter’s park, and he has better production in the lineup.  Somewhat akin to Jason Bay’s move from Pittsburgh to Boston, where he also added protection and joined a team with considerably more offensive weapons.

People are often surprised when they find out that I am a roller coaster addict.  The image of an thrill seeking adrenaline junkie seems to be at odds with the mild mannered bookworm they see in front of them.  In fact, I grew up in fear of coasters.  Then, one time I was at an amusement park with my cousin, who is two years younger than me.  He was going to ride a roller coaster.  I didn’t want to show fear, so I mustered up the courage to ride.  The ride up the hill was incredibly harrowing … but a few seconds later I was hooked on coasters.

If you are a roller coaster addict, you must visit Cedar Point.  Cedar Point is located on a peninsula in Lake Erie, in Sandusky, Ohio. The Lake provides an absolutely incredible backdrop for many of the rides. Cedar Point features 17 roller coasters (more than any other park in the world) and a variety of other thrill rides. They have a wide variety of coasters. Whether you like wood, steel, standing, suspended, inverted, or even kiddie coasters, there is something you’ll like. I made my initial pilgrammage to Cedar Point in 2002, and returned there with my wife in 2005. I’m anxiously awaiting the day when my daughter is 48 inches tall. She’s halfway there, so it should just be a couple more years, right? Let’s jump right in and I’ll take you on a tour of some of my favorite rides at Cedar Point.
There are two Cedar Point coasters that I have not yet been able to ride.

• Top Thrill Dragster is tops on my “most wanted” list.  It opened in 2003.  In theory, we should have been able to ride it when we were at Cedar Point in 2005.  Unfortunately, it was closed both days, which really sucked.  The ride launches you 450 feet in the air and you reach a speed of 120 mph.  It looks absolutely awesome.
• Maverick opened in 2007.  It is “only” 105 feet tall, but it does have a 95 degree drop angle, the sharpest drop of any coaster in the park.  I don’t really have a good feel for how Maverick would ride.

Now I’ll take you on a tour of some of my favorite rides at Cedar Point.  These are in order of preference.

• Mean Streak – This is a mile long wooden coaster.  I am personally a big fan of wooden coasters, although my wife is not.  As the wood in the coaster has aged over the years, Mean Streak has gotten even more mean.  It’s definitely a bone jarring ride.  I happen to love a rough ride on the rails, so it’s definitely my cup of tea.  Also, the ride is 3 minutes long, and the lines are often short, because many people fear the Mean Streak!
• Wicked Twister – The best way to describe Wicked Twister is that it is shaped like a U.  You start at the bottom of the U.  You are launched 200 feet in the air – with a couple of nice twists toward the top.  Then you back down and get launched 200 feet up the other side.  Half the time, you’re going to be backward.
• Millenium Force –  The key element is the raw height, as the ride takes you 310 feet in the air and immediately drops you 300 feet.  You are carried up the hill – not launched – so it is a nice slow ride up the hill, and you have a great view from the top.  When you get to the top, you’re a football field (end zone to end zone) from the ground.  Pretty cool.
• Gemini – Gemini is 30 years old, tops out at 60 mph, is only 125 feet tall, has a meek 55% drop angle.  Why is it on my list of favorite, beating out rides such as Mantis and Raptor?  Because you race.  There are two tracks.  One track has the blue train and the other has the red train.  You race side by side, and you can never be sure which train is going to win the race back to the station.

I’ve only scratched the surface.  Check out Cedar Point’s web site for more details.  There’s also a water park (Soak City), but I have never set foot inside Soak City – simply because it would mean taking time away from coasters.

Are you looking for a place to stay while you’re at Cedar Point?  There are some nice on site options, but if you’re looking for a nice, quiet place, I would suggest  McKenna’s Inn, a bed and breakfast on nearby Catawba Island.  It appears that their web site needs a bit of work, but don’t let this fool you – this place is first class.  Not only are the facilities nice, but the location is great.  It is located on a private lane that ends at Lake Erie.  You are with very easy walking distance from the lake.

I wrote this quirky little story in 1999, so if it seems a little rough around the edges, this is why.  In order to maintain the integrity of the original story, I have published it ver batim as it was written a decade ago.

Tina awoke amidst the screaming of her alarm clock.  As she glared at the inert plastic clock, she saw that it read 6:45 AM. She rolled over, slammed her hand onto the snooze button, and tried to savor the final fifteen minutes of sleep.

A quarter hour later, Tina sluggishly pulled herself out of bed and toward the shower. Soon, the water was rushing down and Tina was lathering her long hair with shampoo.  As she shampooed, she inhaled the wonderful strawberry aroma.  With life kicking her in the teeth as it was these days, this was often the highlight of her entire day, and she longed to savor the moment.  But as all good things must come to an end, the shower was soon finished, and Tina hopped out to face the real world.

Tina tapped her foot to the rhythm of “Cheeseburger in Paradise” as she waited for the red light to turn to green.  As Jimmy Buffett gave way to some up-and-comer on the radio, the light finally turned, and she eased the Grand Am into the intersection and headed north.  A few short minutes later, she had pulled into the parking lot, jumped out, and raced to her eight o’clock class.  She eased into her seat a moment before Ms. McAnally entered the room.

As Ms. MacAnally yammered on about how to compose a business plan, Tina’s mind began to drift.  Why on earth would a nurse have to know anything about business writing, anyway?   As long as they could somehow find a way to read doctors’ handwriting, that would be enough.  College was enough of a pain without useless classes. She gently sighed to herself as she forced herself to listen to the instructor.

After what seemed like an eternity, the class was released and Tina quickly raced across campus to her next class.  When she entered the room, there was a note of the board that Mr. Nelson was sick and that class was canceled.  She could barely contain her joy.  She would have some time to do some homework and catch a quick nap before work.

After a quick meal of chicken noodle soup, Tina settled down for a nice midday nap. As the warm sun poured through the window and bathed her body in its beam, she fell into a cozy sleep on her futon.  After what seemed like only minutes (but had actually been nearly 3 hours), she was once again awakened by the alarm.  Once again, she reluctantly pulled herself out of bed to start the second half of her day.

When Tina arrived at the hospital, she was disappointed to find out that she would be stationed in the geriatric ward once again.  Some people found the old people interesting, but she found them very boring and would usually be extremely tired when she got off a shift hanging around them, not because she worked any harder on those nights, but because their lack of energy was contagious.

Her first patient of the night was old Mr. Burns.  The guy was ancient, had an artificial hip, and was ugly as sin, but that didn’t stop him from being the most notorious skirt chaser in the wing.  Luckily, because of the hip, most of the nurses could easily out run him.

At his birthday party last month, someone had the smart idea to actually put ninety two candles on the cake.  A small fire had broken out, and poor Mrs. Frederick’s hair had been burned to a crisp.  And just when it had grown back after her radiation treatments.  It was quite traumatic for the old witch.  So much so that she had stopped attending birthday parties entirely, which was probably a good thing for her, since she carried quite a bit of weight.  Her fondness for angel food cake was the main reason for the considerable weight that she has gained during her stint at the hospital.

Tina was able to quickly check in on Mr. Burns, and since he was asleep, she got out of there in a matter of seconds.  She had avoided the first major obstacle of the night.

She wasn’t quite so lucky at her second room, though.  Mr. Vincent wouldn’t let her escape.  She was forced to listen to several of his tales about how he led the confederate forces in the civil war.  Despite the fact the war ended in the mid 1800s, Mr. Vincent not only claimed to have fought in the war, but actually thought that it was still going on, and that the South would eventually prevail.  What a fruitcake.  Who’d have thought that a little pneumonia could do that to you?

After what seemed like a lifetime, Mr. Vincent got a visitor, and while he was distracted momentarily, Tina bolted out the door.  As she hurried down the hall, she could hear the old man yelling “Missy, missy, don’t you want to hear more about my friend, Mr. Jefferson Davis?”

After a dozen more visits to the old folks, Tina was finally able to escape to the ER.

It was a pretty quiet night for the ER – a couple of broken legs, a kid with his head cracked open, and a self-inflicted gunshot wound.  How someone could do serious damage to themselves with buckshot was beyond her reasoning ability, but some fellow named Billy Bob managed to do some very serious damage to some pretty serious parts of his anatomy.  They really should think about locking up stupid people for their own protection.

Around nine thirty, John Wilson checked in with what seemed like a little case of mono.  When Tina did the blood work on him, she took a little more than was necessary – about a pint more, to be exact.  John was one of those guys who always went around bragging about how far he had gone on his last date (and usually stretching things a bit).  He had dared to pull this stunt on Tina’s friend Jill, so this was her revenge.  The poor bastard would recover just fine, but he’d feel like hell for a couple of days. A fitting punishment.

Dan Brown’s first foray into the world of entertainment was as a singer and songwriter. He released two CDs before turning his attention to writing – a very wise decision. His fourth novel made him a literary rock star. Perhaps you have heard of it – The Da Vinci Code.

There is some great news regarding Brown. His fifth novel, The Lost Symbol (formerly referred to as The Solomon Key) will hit shelves on September 15! Pre-orders are being taken on several sites, and I’ll be pre-ordering my own copy very soon. As is his nature, Brown is being secretive about much of the plot. It will feature cryptologist Robert Langdon and will be set in Washington, D.C. The jacket of The Da Vinci code holds clues to the plot.

Oh, yes. The other news. The movie Angels and Demons, based on the novel of the same name, will be in theaters on Friday. I doubt that it will come close to the success of Da Vinci Code, but spillover popularity should still turn it into a very successful film.

I’m a big fan of Brown’s work. Let’s do a mini-review of his previous novels.

Digital Fortress, 1998. Digital Fortress focuses very heavily on cryptography. A rebellious, genius programmer develops an uncrackable encryption algorithm and offers to auction it off to the highest bidder. This could be a huge problem for the United State government, which has just finished work on TRANSLTR, a computer capable of cracking any encryption algorithm known to man. It is imperative that the code not fall into the wrong hands. Unfortunately, the programmer dies – bringing into play the threat that his partner would publicly release the code if he should die. He is not the only person to die in a high stakes battle to control the code. Opinion: a reasonable understanding of computers makes the book more enjoyable, but it isn’t mandatory. There is a lot of action in the book that is unrelated to the technical issues.

Angels and Demons, 2000. Angels and Demons introduces us to world renowned cryptologist Robert Langdon. A dangerous weapon – a canister of anti-matter – is stolen from CERN and a scientist is murdered. The symbol of the mysterious Illuminati group – a group though to have died out long ago – is left branded on the chest of the victim. The head of the lab calls in Langdon to try to track down the missing canister. Langdon reaches the conclusion that the missing canister is connected to the election of a new pope. As Langdon races against the clock to find the canister, leading papal candidates begin turning up dead. Opinion: this is the prequel to Da Vinci Code, and is a pretty good book in its own right. It might come up a bit short of Da Vinci Code in some respects, but it does take readers on a nice tour of Rome.

Deception Point , 2001. Deception Point takes place in the arctic, where Rachel Sexton is sent to join a team that will analyze a meteorite. Evidence of life is contained with the meteorite – possible proof of extraterrestrial life. But Rachel soon realizes that things aren’t quite what they seem – and very soon, her life is in danger. Opinion: an interesting story with a good mix of science and politics.

The Da Vinci Code, 2003. Robert Langdon is once again awakened in the middle of the night to be informed of a grisly death, this time at the Louvre. A beautiful police cryptologist (Sophie) secretly informs Langdon that the police are not merely using him as a consultant in the case, but that he is the prime suspect. Langdon and Sophie make a tricky exit from the Louvre and elude the police. They combine forces in an attempt to solve the murder. As they put more pieces together, more complex puzzles appear. They eventually discover a truth that could rock Christianity to its core. Opinion: This is a great book, with clever ciphers and lots of twists and turns. It is, of course, a work of fiction. As a Catholic, I believe that the Catholic Church contributed to the success of the book and movie by attacking the book. Had they simply ignored the book – as they ignore many books that contain content related to the church – much of the furor could have been avoided.

The Lost Symbol	Da Vinci Code	Angels & Demons
Deception Point	Digital Fortress

Alleged Nazi deported

The story:

89 year old Cleveland resident John Demjanjuk, a Ukrainian immigrant and retired auto worker, was deported from the United States to Germany to face charges of accessory to murder for 29,000 deaths at the Sobibor concentration camp in Poland.

Demjanjuk moved to the United States in 1951.  His legal troubles began in 1977, when he was indentified in a photo lineup by holocaust suriviors.

In 1986, he was deported to Israel to face charges that he was the infamous “Ivan The Terrible” of the Treblinka camp.  He was convicted in 1988 and sentenced to death, but his conviction was overturned by an Israeli court in 1993 on the basis of reasonable doubt that he was actually Ivan The Terrible.

The newest charges against Demjanjuk originated in 2003.

Demjanjuk’s attorneys claim that he was a POW at the camp – and essentially a pawn of the Nazis.  They also argued that  his poor health had the impact of making the deportation torture.  Initially, Demjanjuk will be held at a prison hospital.

Kosmo’s opinion:

Truly, it is sad to see an 89 year old man separated from his family.  The charge of accessory to murder carries of penalty of up to 15 years, meaning that a conviction will likely result in him dying in prison.  However, if the charges against him are true, Demjanjuk must pay the penalty for his crimes.  It is refreshing to see that the wheels of justice never stop turning, even 65 years after the crime.

Solider kills others

The story:

Army sergeant  John Russell is a veteran of three tours of duty in Iraq, as well as previous deployments to Bosnia and Kosovo.  Recently, Russell felt that some people were trying to force him out of the military.  His commander had referred him to counseling and ordered that his weapon be taken away.  Russell had an altercation at the stress clinic on Monday.  He later took a weapon from another soldier, returned to the clinic and opened fire, killing five.  Russell has been charged with five counts of murder and one count of aggravated assault.

Kosmo’s opinion:

Russell seems to have a solid foundation for a defense related to insanity or stress.  His commander actually clearly indicate that there were some concerns about Russell’s mental and emotional states.  This may make it difficult for the prosecutor to discredit similar claims by the defense team.

Foxy Knoxy

The story:

In Italy, 21 year old Amanda Knox and her former boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito are charged with sexual assault and murder in the death of Knox’s roommate, Meredith Kercher.  Prosecutors maintain that Kercher was killed when she refused to participate in sex games.  Knox and Kercher were college students in Italy.  Knox was from Washington state and Kercher from Britain.  Knox’s good looks (and perhaps the incredibly long trial) have made her a tabloid celebrity in Italy (hence the nickname “Foxy Knoxy”), where she has been referred to as the “devil with an angel’s face”.

The case against Knox appears to be strong.  Perhaps most damning so far was the evidence of bloody footprints introduced into evidence last week.  Expert witnesses claim that these prints were left by Knox and Sollecito.  An alleged collaborator was found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder and sentenced to 30 years in prison.

The prosecutor in the Knox case is facing charges of abuse of power, unrelated to the Knox case.

Kosmo’s opinion:

Yikes – killing the woman because she refused to participate in a sex game?  That’s incredibly twisted.  Throw the book at them.  Kercher probably felt safe with her roommate, who was also a “foreigner” in Italy – only to have that trust betrayed in the worst imaginable way.