The SoapBoxers

Decisions come in many shapes and sizes.  There are young people deciding what college to go to; a huge decision for them affecting the rest of their lives.  Middle aged couples deciding on the color to paint a room; maybe not so important.  There is a desperate man searching for answers that could lead him to crime; a culmination of choices or consequences of uncontrollable events.  Someone has decided to give blood just because the secretary suggested it; a flippant decision with huge effect on the community.

As we each approach decisions, we evaluate the importance and effects on ourselves, and sometime the importance and effect on those around us.  We sometime consciously decide to help after a catastrophe, be it a flood, a tornado, or the untimely death.  At other times we are consumed with everyday questions from taking the risk of accelerating through a yellow light to the choice between Coke and Pepsi.

Each decision is a balance of risk and reward.  All of us are at sometime overcome by the rewards of the equation and this sometimes results in bad decisions and sometime in dramatic accomplishments.  Sometime we just completely underestimate the risk we take because we think the situation is something we have dealt with before.  Sometimes the risks are so minimal that we do not even notice when we make a bad choice.

Over time I think we have faced all of the scenarios that I have listed.  The affects have been large and small.  There are always consequences.  We can all look back on our lives and remember the bad decisions we have made, and the spectacularly good ones, but most of the mundane ones have been forgotten or become habit.

I have recently taken an account of my past decisions.  In ways this is for self improvement in the future, and in others it is to assist my children as they mature to adulthood.  My oldest son is already in college and my daughter is heading out this fall.  They will be attending the same college, which is a good decision financially.  I just hope that it is a good choice for each of their chosen fields.

I am also considering other peoples decisions.  This weekend, I helped in what could have been described as a good old fashioned barn raising.  Upwards of fifty people showed up over an eight hour period to completely landscape and clean up a house for a graduation party.  The reason was not just a response to a request for help.  The man of the house had fallen off a ladder several weeks ago while taking down Christmas lights.  He broke his neck in the fall and died twelve hours later.  His oldest daughter is graduating from high school in less than a month.  The crowd of people represented everyone who had worked with the man and his wife, friends and relatives.

Just looking at that series of decisions is spectacular.  The man decided to risk reaching too far with disastrous results.  The family decided to continue on with a graduation party to heal and live.  The community decided to help and each of us feels great for just helping.  And all of this is somehow humbling in a way that I can not describe.

Did you miss part 1 yesterday?  Go back and read it here.

Maybe 25 minutes out of my driveway, my car loaded with every piece of summer clothing and possible toiletry I own, along with my critters, I realized I had left the dog’s bowls behind. I had an extra, but it was on the floor in the back of my SUV when I loaded it up.  It wouldn’t have taken THAT much time to go back, but I had already said goodbye to the apartment, and I didn’t want to retrace those steps.  So I stopped at Wal-Mart.  Dog bowls purchased, I was again on my way.

Once on the interstate, I realized that my shiny, happy, new GPS needed to plug into my power outlet, duh, but so did my FM transmitter/iPhone charger.  And no way in harmonica am I gonna make it across the nation without my tunes.  So in Grand Junction (90 minutes after WalMart) I stopped at Best Buy (which I used my new GPS to find, thankyouverymuch) to purchase a power-splitter thingy.

After wandering the BestBuy and looking lost in front of multiple employees for ten minutes (remind me to write to Best Buy about that), I finally asked someone for help, found my needed item, and hit the road. Again.  Trying to find my way back onto the interstate, and without the ability to see much from my rear or passenger-side view mirrors (boxes and cat carriers, you know), I did have the ability to hear.  Which is good, because I might not have otherwise known that a motorcycle police officer was pulling me over.  I was apparently speeding my way out of Grand Junction, and this would not do.  I had missed a speed limit sign. Not that I was looking for it.

After commenting on the weight of one of my kitties (“that is one BIG cat”) and nicely enough cutting down my speed from 15 over to 9 over the limit, I received my ticket and we were on the road again.  Again.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that my phone charger thingy wasn’t having it.  For some reason it just wouldn’t work with the brand new splitter.  My detour through Junction and therefore my speeding ticket?  In vain.

Anyway, I didn’t care, I was off!  To new worlds!  Before long I found myself in the absolutely charming town of Ridgway, where I planned to eat lunch in the True Grit Café which is supposedly also very charming and my step-dad loves John Wayne, so that’d be cool and it’s my adventure and won’t it be fun!  Except I was only a tiny bit hungry.  And the two shopping stops and the speeding ticket had set me back on some time.  And I didn’t really want to leave the animals in the car alone while I ate lunch by myself.  So I didn’t.  I got back in the car after Max’s pit stop and pressed on.  First intended roadside attraction: scratched from the playbill.

I was on to a section of road between Ouray and Durango that is quite beautiful, Red Mountain Pass. It is phenomenally gorgeous.

And steep. And curvy. And without guard rails…

For Part 3, visit my blog tomorrow!

PHOTO: Ouray, Colorado (through my windshield)

Editor’s note: Whitney Henderson joins The Soap Boxers as a special contributor.  Today, Whitney takes on on her cross-country journey.

I planned this cross-country drive like I was Elizabeth Gilbert off to the ashram… It would be transformative, this drive.  It would show me things about myself I hadn’t noticed.  It would allow me to find peace within myself and ground me for the task ahead.  This drive?  It would CHANGE MY LIFE.

For those of you that do not read my blog (hello, all of you), let me first explain “the task ahead.”  I have been living in Colorado for three years.  It is indeed the most beautiful place I have seen and I have to believe among the most beautiful places in all creation.  It is also frakking expensive and I, a lapsed attorney, have a lawyer’s student loans but not her paycheck. So, when I recently decided that I am a writer and writers write and I needed to do that, my well-employed sister invited me to stay with her family in Charlotte, North Carolina for the summer, to focus on the writing.  I’d have to get a job to pay for my car other bills, and, you know, beer.  After my ski season job ended and no summer job in Colorado fell in my lap, I decided that was a dandy idea.  Thus, the reason for the drive.

Back to it, now.  I wanted to take my time. The drive from here to there could be done in 3 days, driving 10 hours each day.  I wanted to lollygag a bit.  See more of western Colorado.  Take my time, see the silly roadside attractions like giant balls of twine.  Stop when I wanted to stop, etc. I decided to swing west to Grand Junction, down to Durango, and over to the Grand Canyon. Then I would come east from there to my hometown of Memphis for a few days, and eventually straight up I-40 to North Carolina. But there were considerations.  Namely, Max, Dobby, and Merlin.  My dog and two cats would be traveling with me, and they aren’t all that into lollygagging.  Or the Grand Canyon.  So, while still on my bucket list, the Canyon was chopped from the list and the trip to Memphis shortened to 3 days instead of 4.  Then there were financials… and an extra night in a hotel suddenly seemed wasteful when I could just get to Memphis a day early and stay with a generous friend for free.

And there it was. The plan settled, three 8-hour-drive days: Day 1 to Santa Fe via Durango. Day 2 to Oklahoma City. Day 3 to Memphis.  The mountains of Colorado would be majestic and amazing. Take my breath away.  Remind me what I loved about my adopted state.  Make me feel small and inconsequential and give me perspective.  New Mexico would be magical, the desert beautiful.  Texas and Oklahoma would be wide open… prairies stretching for miles, nothing to see but road stretching out ahead of me, an invitation to the future.

And so I hit the road.

Read part two here.

Martin watched the apple core sail high into the air before landing with a satisfying plop in the water.  He lay on his back, basking in the warm afternoon sun and listening to the sounds of classic rock music escaping from the transistor radio.  He listened to the girls chatting as they finished the last bits of the picnic lunch.  Talk of college dominated the conversation, with the three teens set to begin their university education in the fall.

“Aw, girls, can’t we talk about something other than college, college, college?  It will be time to hit the books before long.”

“Sorry, Marty,” chirped Samantha.  “We’re just so excited.  Imagine all the fun we’ll have!  Parties, concerts, football games …”

“Not to mention classes,” replied.  “You are planning to attend the occasional class, right, Sam?”

“Of course,” she giggled.  “Education comes first.”

“Well, maybe not first,” chimed in Michelle.  “Partying is pretty important.  But it’s definitely a solid number two.”

“You girls need to make sure that you put some energy into your coursework so that you don’t flunk out first semester.”

“Yes, mother,” they replied in chorus, laughing at Martin’s expense.

Martin began to utter a sharp retort but caught himself just in time.  It was best not to engage in a battle of wits with these girls.  They could very effectively tag-team with each other and make mincemeat of him with their insults.  Better to just change the subject and move on.

“You think we can catch the Cardinals game up here?” he asked.

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Michelle.  “We’re so far away from civilization that you could probably pick up Canadian stations.”

Martin began to fiddle with the dial on the old radio.  After a minute, he caught the strains of a baseball game – but it was the Cubs game.  After another moment of fiddling with the dial and he could faintly hear the Cardinals game.  Albert Pujols had drawn yet another walk, bringing Matt Holliday to the plate.

“C’mon, Happy,” shouted Samantha.  “Park it in Big Mac Land.”

They were engrossed in the game and didn’t hear the oncoming vehicle.

“Oh, shit,” yelled Michelle.  “TRAIN!”

Martin’s heart caught in his throat.  He could see the locomotive in the distance, moving toward them.  They jumped to their feet and began to run across the trestle toward the safety of the opposite side of the river.

When Martin reached the other side, he turned back and saw Michelle quickly approaching and Samantha lagging behind.  He watched the train for a moment and calculated the closing speed.  It would be a close race, but it seemed that the train was going to beat Samantha to the other side.

“Jump, Sam, jump!” he yelled.

Samantha ignored his advice and continued to sprint toward the shore, with the beastly train in her wake.  It was a thirty foot drop to the water below, and she couldn’t swim.  If she could just dig down for an extra bit of speed, she could get to the other side.  Sam’s adrenaline gave her a burst of speed, and the locomotive had begun to slow ever so slightly as the engineer saw her and applied the brakes.

Martin and Michelle held their breath for a long minute.  Yes, it definitely seemed that Samantha could beat the train to the other side.  Then it happened.  Sam stumbled slightly.  She quickly regained her balance and continued her race toward the shore.  The stumble had cost her a precious couple of seconds.  A moment later, the train smashed into her and flung her lifeless body off the trestle and into the muddy river below.

As many of you know, Major League Baseball’s draft is coming up next month.  I’m sure that many of you will set your DVRs to record the event.  I certainly will.  (Yes, I’m serious).

The baseball draft doesn’t receive the same attention given to the NFL’s draft (which seems to nearly overshadow the Super Bowl) or even the NBA’s. 

There are several reasons for the lack of popularity for the event.  Historically, about half the players drafted have been high schoolers, although the balance has shifted in favor of college players in recent years.  Even the very best high school players will take 3-4 years to develop into major league players, and 6+ years is a more common timeline.  Even the college players typically spend a few years in the minor leagues.  Thus, baseball players don’t jump straight from the draft to the television set like athletes in others sports.

Baseball’s 50 round draft is much longer than the NBA’s (2 rounds) or NFL’s (7 rounds).  Considering that the active roster for a baseball team is just 25 players, this necessitates using the minor leagues to develop players.  Without the minor leagues, the players simply wouldn’t get ample opportunities against live competition.  The minors also serve to bring baseball to small cities across America, allowing nearly anyone to hop in a car, drive an hour or two, and catch a game at any point during the summer.

The eligibility rules for baseball’s draft can make your head spin.  First of all, only residents of the United States, Canada, and U.S. territories – and well as students at institutions within those counties – are subject to the draft.  Players in other countries can sign with a team at age 16.  Thus players from Puerto Rico (a U.S. territory) are subject to the draft, but players from the Dominican Republic are not.  It is desirable to not be subject to the draft, as it allows you to negotiate with multiple teams, instead of just with the team that has exclusive rights to you.

As mentioned earlier, high school players are eligible.  Quite a few of the drafted high school players do not sign and opt to attend college on scholarship.  Sometimes teams will take a shot on “unsignable” players later in the draft, and try to convince them to sign with the team.  This is a low-risk/high-reward strategy.  An example of this is Rockies outfielder Dexter Fowler.  Fowler was a multi-sport star in high school and was committed to attending college at the University of Miami.  The Rockies took a flier on him in the 14^th round.  After freeing up some cash by trading Larry Walker, they were able to sign him for $925,000 – an amount that is more in line with a high second round pick than a 14^th rounder.

If a player decides to attend a four year college, they have to wait until their junior year.  An exception to this is that sophomores who turn 21 before the draft are also eligible.  The juniors and draft-eligible sophomores typically sign for more money than college seniors because they have more leverage.  If they don’t sign, they can always return to college and re-enter the draft.

If a player decides to attend junior college, they are eligible to be drafted after their first year.  This is why you will sometimes see very good players in the JUCO ranks instead of at an NCAA school.  In fact, Alex Fernandez transferred from the University of Miami after his freshman season in order to attend Miami-Dade Community College.  As a junior college player, he was eligible for the 1990 draft.  Had he stayed at Miami, he would not have been eligible until 1991.  Fernandez was the #4 overall pick in the 1990 draft.

Who will be the top pick in this year’s draft?  Most are saying that the Nationals will go after teen phenom Bryce Harper.  Harper passed his GED in order to skip his final two years of high school (yes, you read that correctly) and is currently attending junior college in order to gain eligibility for this year’s draft.  Although most scouts are rubbed the wrong way Harper’s arrogance and sense of entitlement, most admit that he is a tremendously skilled player.  While in high school, Harper racked up the miles criss-crossing the country and playing in a variety of elite tournaments.  He got off to a slow start this season, but has heated up in a hurry and it putting up video game type numbers.  Even better, Harper is a catcher – a position where there is traditionally a scarcity of great offensive players.

Should the Nationals and other teams take Harpers demeanor into account before decided to throw millions of dollars at him?  Certainly.  However, the landscape of professional sports is hardly barren of athletes with big egos.  As for Harper’s young age, it’s worth noting that he’ll turn 18 on October 16 – just a month later than some of the other 2010 draftees.

My advice to the Nationals?  Pick Harper – he’s the best available talent.  Then find him a Crash Davis type of player to make sure his head stays on straight.  The Nationals front office has been making some decent moves lately, and the team is actually doing fairly well so far this year.  Add Stephen Strasburg to the mix in a few weeks and Harper a few years down the road, and I think they’ll have a solid core to build upon.

For information about other players in this year’s draft, I recommend the blog MLB Bonus Baby.

A couple of days ago, an idiot fan ran across the field during a Phillies-Cardinals game and was chased by authorities and subdued with a blast from a Taser. This incidents brings to mind the controversy of whether or not Tasers should be used by law enforcement.

Opponents of Taser use point to statistics of deaths that have occurred following shocks from a Taser.  (For those who aren’t familiar with them, Tasers are stun guns which temporary incapacitate with a high voltage electrical charge).  However, there are some flaws with these statistics.  First of all, many of the deaths have occurred during violent struggles during which a Taser has been used.  However, even if the Taser wasn’t used, these situation would have a relatively high probability of serious injury or death – due to the fact that they involve violent struggles.  Breaking down the numbers to show how many deaths were directly caused by the Tasers is much more difficult.

A second problem is that people seem to want to compare these numbers to a baseline of 0 deaths.  However, it’s important to note that a Taser is one option available to law enforcement personnel.  If the Taser were not available, the law enforcement officer would still have to subdue the offender.  In many cases, it would be necessary to shoot the offender.  Getting shot with a Taser may have a certain degree of risk, but I think I’d prefer it to a Glock-induced lead injection.  Additionally, bullets can ricochet and hit innocent bystanders.  The maximum range of a Taser is about 30 feet – so the 5 year old playing 100 feet away isn’t endangered by an errant Taser shot.

It’s also important to bear in mind the fact that subduing the offender can prevent injuries to innocent bystanders.  The reality is that the safety of the innocent bystanders should trump considerations about the safety of the offender.  After all, they have done nothing wrong, whereas the offender has committed a crime.  In many cases, it is absolutely necessary to use force to subdue an offender.  Not everyone meekly allows themselves to be cuffed.

As you can see, I support the use of Tasers by law enforcement.  In my opinion, Tasers can provide a safer alternative to discharging a firearm.  However, I do have some caveats.

First, it’s very important for people to realize that the Taser is a weapon, and not some cool tech toy.  A few years ago, I cringed when I heard the story about a cop Tasering his son at the request of the so, who wanted to see how it felt.  I am certain that these incidents are rare, but nonetheless are disturbing.  Would the same officer have shot his son with a gun if the kid wanted to know what it felt like?  Probably not.

Second, it’s important to gauge the severity of the crime.  Tasers should probably not be used to subdue jaywalkers and people with overdue library books.  Taser use should be used for any situations which allow for the use of deadly force, as well as other situations where the safety of law enforcement officers of the public is at risk.  The safety of law enforcement and the public should be given more importance than the safety of someone who just committed a crime – they put themselves into the dangerous situation.

Should the Taser have been used at the Phillies game?  I’m a bit torn.  On the one hand, it seems that security probably could have captured the guy without the use of the Taser.  Even if the guy had managed to elude them, tens of thousands of fans would have been happy to aid in the capture.  On the other hand, you need only to look back to the on-field attack of Royals coach Tom Gamboa by two “fans” in 2002 to be concerned about the safety of on-field personnel.

I support the use of Tasers by law enforcement, while also promoting continued training on their proper use.

This was a great week on the golf circuit.  On the Japanese tour, 18 year old Phenom Ryo Ishikawa shot an amazing 12 under 58 to win a tournament.  58’s are not shot everyday at any level of golf.  (Well maybe for a lot of you readers for 9 holes) but to shoot that low you have to: A- Hit it close a lot and B: make just about every putt you look at.

On the PGA tour, young European Tour Star Rory McIlroy shot an amazing 10 under par 62 on a very hard golf course at Quail Hollow to win the tournament going away by 4 strokes over Phil Mickelson.  McIlroy is just 20 years old and is a player full of a lot of promise to perhaps contend shortly for major championships.  McIlroy shot a smooth 30 on the back 9 including making birdies on two of the final three holes (considered the toughest stretch on the course) to leave no doubt about who the victor would be.

The funniest part of his victory is my wife – who has been on a big reading kick lately – takes a short look at the TV and deadpans “that guy looks like Spaulding from Caddyshack, with just a little longer hair in back”  This lead to a full afternoon of repeating a multitude of familiar lines such as…”I want a Hamburger, no a Cheeseburger, I want a hot dog…You’ll get nothing and like it!”

And other classics involving Spaulding such as “fifty bucks says he eats it”

I haven’t laughed that hard in months.

On the LPGA tour, Lorena Ochoa played her last tournament before hanging it up as she has announced her retirement to work more with her philanthropic efforts and most likely to start a family.  Ochoa would be a lock to be a member of the World Golf Hall of Fame as she has enough Majors and tournament victories to automatically make it in under the LPGA’s qualifying criteria…the one thing she does not have is enough years played on tour to make it.  The minimum requirement is ten years and she has just played eight.  It would be a shame if the LPGA sticks to their guns and does not make an exception to reward her with this honor should she decide to completely stay away from the game.  She has been one of the best players of the last 25 years without any question and has dominated the game over the last three to four years like Annika Sorenstam did before her.

Five and a half weeks til Johnny will be making his second pilgrimage to  Scotland for a Golf Trip.  I will be sure to keep you all posted on that as well as the United States Open in future articles here on the Casual Observer.

Until next week…hit em straight!

I love statistics.  I actually use two different systems to track users on this site – Google Analytics and Sitemeter.  Sitemeter provides instant feedback and a line by line look at activity – quickly giving some geographical demographics.  I use Google more for the long haul statistics.  I also check my Google Page Rank from time to time.

In the blogosphere, you’ll often hear people chatter about their Alexa Rank.  There are a lot of things to link about the Alexa Ranking.  It’s updated daily, and you can see much bigger movements.  Google Page Rank is a number from 1 to 10 (higher being better) and it can take years to move forward just one spot.  The Alexa ranking intends to show where your site rankings in the world rankings.  You can be the 1,000,000th most popular site one month and inside the top 100,000 the next, if you have a lot of traffic one month.  Alexa also shows some demographics about your visitors.

However, I do not use the Alexa Ranking.  Months ago, when I started playing around with it, I noticed some bizarre behavior.  My traffic would have a significant uptick one week, only to have a worse Alexa Ranking.  What was going on?  It took only a minute to realize the problem.  Unlike the other sites, Alexa doesn’t actually analyze the exact details of your traffic.

Instead, Alexa attacks the problem somewhat backwards to the way the other sites work.  It has people download a toolbar, and then tracks the activity of those users.  It then uses this data to produce the ranking for individual sites.  However, this doesn’t really show how popular your site is amongst all internet users – it shows how popular it is amongst Alexa users.  Even worse, the toolbar is not available for several browsers, completely excluding people who use them.

The very fact that the Alexa Ranking requires a download from their site introduces sampling error.  Sites that are more technical in nature will get an artificial boost simply because their users are more likely to have downloaded the toolbar.  Likewise, sites that talk about Alexa from time to time will get a boost because of increased awareness amongst the site’s visitors.  Ironically, this article will probably boost my Alexa Ranking.  This site doesn’t have a lot of tech articles, and thus I suspect doesn’t have a big tech crowd.  Thus, a small movement in the number of visitors can create a large swing in Alexa Rank – due to the fact that Alexa users make up a small portion of our visitors.

So, do we throw out the baby with the bathwater, then?  Not necessarily.  If you have a considerable amount of traffic on your site, the Alexa Ranking can provide information on relative performance from month to month.  Alexa can also provide details on the demographics of your visitors – although you might expect Alexa to report a group that skews younger and more male than you expect – once again due to the tech bias.  However, I would suggest using caution when trying to determine the overall popularity of your site.

When I moved back to my home state of Iowa in 2002, I began work in an office full of complete strangers – always an awkward feeling.

I quickly became aware of the fact that NASCAR fever ran deep through the office. Some were more afflicted than others, but many paid at least some interest to the sport.

I personally had never paid much attention. I’d watch a handful of laps of the Daytona 500 and a few laps from other races during the season, but I was hardly a fan. I would have been hard pressed to name ten NASCAR drivers. I had a favorite driver – Tony Stewart – and knew a handful of other names. Heck, I didn’t even know what a “restrictor plate” was.

Things quickly changed. Before long, I was corralled into a NASCAR contest that several co-workers participated in. I enjoying competing with people – the fact that it was a sport that I knew virtually nothing about wasn’t particularly relevant. It also seemed like a good way to fit in.

Within months, my knowledge of NASCAR increased exponentially. I learned that a restrictor plate is a plate that restricts the flow of air into the carburetor to keep horsepower (and thus speed) down – and that this was done mainly to keep cars from becoming airborne at the super speedways in Talladega and Daytona.  The plate has holes to allow air to flow through – the smaller the holes, the less horsepower the engine will generate.

I also learned that although most NASCAR races involve just left turns, there are actually two road course – at Watkins Glen and Sonoma. Tony Stewart happens to be very good on road courses, so these races have quickly become favorite of mine. Not only do the courses contain left AND right turns, but drivers can get themselves into serious trouble by going off the course.

Even when it comes to the tracks that contain just left turns, there are substantial differences. Daytona and Talladega are 2.5 mile tracks where speeds can reach 200 mph. The track at Bristol, on the other hand, is just .533 miles. At Daytona and Talladega, it’s common to see drivers “draft” by forming a single file line with each car just inches from the one in from of them in order to reduce drag. Several cars lined up in formation can reduce drag enough to go zooming by a lead car that is running alone. At Bristol, it’s common to see the winning driver’s car with several dents in it – races at Bristol always feature lots of bumping and banging. There’s even a triangular course at Pocono (officially, it’s a “tri-oval”).

I also learned that there are different “grooves” in a track. Logically, it made sense to me that everyone would try to run as low on the track as possible, since this is the shortest distance. However, some drivers prefer to run high and others prefer to run low. Sometimes the way a car is handling will force a driver to run a particular line.

There’s also a lot of strategy in a race. Teams need to decide when to make pit stop and whether to change four tires, two tires, or just add fuel. When a caution flag comes out, teams need to decide whether to make a pit stop to improve the car’s performance (and/or add fuel) or stay on the track and improve their position.

The time of my conversion to a serious fan was also marked by a substantial change to how the champion is crowned. Until recently, the champion was simply the driver who accumulated the most points over the course of the season. Now, drivers need to be among the top 12 drivers with 10 races remaining in order to qualify for the Chase. Points of the top 10 drivers and reset before the Chase begins, with relatively small differentials. The drive who is in 12th can win the title if the put together a strong Chase.

I never intended to become a big fan of NASCAR, but I watch quite a few races now – especially when they don’t interfere with baseball. I even know what a “catch-can” is!

Various media outlets are reporting that the St. Louis Cardinals have reached a deal with future Hall of Fame first baseman Albert Pujols.  The ten year deal will run from 2012-2021.  The most interesting aspect of the deal is that there is no cash involved.

GM John Mozeliak sat down with reporter Scoop Chevelle to discuss the deal.

“Well, Albert has always been a big part of the St. Louis community and has expressed great interest in furthering his investments in the St. Louis metropolitan area.”

When pressed for details, Mozeliak shared more information:

“Well, first of all, we’re handing him the keys to the Cardinals, of course.  If you run the numbers, it’s actually much cheaper to give him the team and a few bonus items than it would be to actually pay him cash.”

And what bonus items were included in the deal?

“The first thing Albert asked for was the famous Arch.  We expected that demand, and quickly handed over the deed.  Albert will also receive the St. Louis Zoo and all of the animal residents.”

Was there anything that Pujols asked for and didn’t receive?

“We didn’t buckle to every demand, of course.  He asked for the Mississippi River.  Honestly, that was a bridge too far, and we couldn’t do that.  He settled for the Missouri River, and everyone seemed to be happy with the compromise.”

Scoop next went to the streets to get the reaction from the public.

“Hey, the team needed to sign Pujols at any cost, you know?” commented Dave A.  “You gotta pay for quality, man.  You need to pay for quality.”

Others were less accepting of the deal.

“I really don’t understand how he could have received Kaufman stadium as part of the deal,” complained Kansas City resident George B.

George’s neighbor Frank W. echoed those sentiments.  “Yeah, isn’t Kaufman Stadium owned by another team?  How can the Cardinals just give it away?”

Commissioner Bud Selig attempted to smooth ruffled feathers.  Selig indicated that the deal was perfectly valid, and that his powers to act “in the best interests of baseball” created eminent domain to take Kaufman Stadium from the Royals and give it to Pujols.

Other residents of the state balked at the idea of the Gateway Arch passing into private hands.  Jon Jarvis, Director of the National Park Service, told us that he had left a voicemail for Pujols and was anxiously awaiting a return call.  “The Gateway Arch is a National Monument and has historically been under the custodianship of the National Park Service.  We at the NPS are very interested in knowing Mr. Pujols’ intentions.”

We attempted to reach Pujols for comment, but Colby Rasmus and Matt Holliday kept us away from him.  After that misadventure, we reached out to an unidentified employee of Pujols Manor.  The employee indicated that Albert had plans to turn the Arch into his private residence, allowing him to have great views of Busch Stadium and the riverfront.

Ryan Howard of the Phillies, who recently signed a deal for only $25 million per year, was said to be despondent at getting one-upped by Pujols yet again.

Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman had a cynical take on the deal.  “This is an obvious attempt to circumvent the luxury tax.  I mean, how do you value these assets?  Take the zoo, for example.  What’s an elephant worth?  Or a tiger?  The Cardinals should be ashamed of themselves.” 

This breaking news was brought to you by the fine folks at FNN, the Fake News Network.