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Note: This article originally ran on May 26, 2010

For several years, President Obama has been dodging the issue of his birth certificate.  His camp has repeatedly insisted that it is genuine and ridiculed those who dare to question the authenticity.  But is there more to the story?  Of course there is.  Here are the cold, hard facts that prove that the birth certificate is a fake.

• The first step was to determine whether or not a genuine birth certificate existed in some other part of the world.  Taking a cue from his last name, we traveled to O’Bama’s ancestral country of Ireland.  In a dark records room in the city of Cork, we discovered a birth certificate insisting that O’Bama was born at a Cork hospital.
• We performed a detailed scientific analysis on the certificate itself.  While the paper does indeed date back to 1961, the ink does not.  Noted forensic inkyologist Marsupial Jones suggests that the ink is no more than 5 years old.
• Information from confidential government sources indicate that Lee Harvey Oswald was being handled by the CIA and was only following orders.
• Why is the state of Hawaii joining in the cover-up?  Our sources within the state department indicate that key Democratic members of congress threatened harsh economic sanctions against Hawaii if they failed to comply.  Planes would have been forbidden to land in the state, cutting off the vital flow of tourists’ money.  The United States would also have ceased imports from Hawaii – notably sugar cane and Don Ho albums.
• While Hawaii became a state in 1959, its citizens did not immediately become full citizens of the US.  Residents of any new states  are under a probationary citizenship during the first five years of statehood.  Only residents born after this five year waiting period are considered to be natural-born U.S. citizens (and thus eligible for the presidency).  Obama was born in 1961 – three years before the end of this waiting period.
• Sites such as Fact Check have shown a photo of a birth announcement purportedly published in the Honolulu Advertiser on August 13, 1961.  However, this evidence does not stand up to close scrutiny.  Once again, Marsupial Jones indicates that the ink is relatively fresh.  Additionally, many of the news stories read more like the The Onion than a serious newspaper.  Look no further than the article about the Cubs-Cardinals baseball game on page 2B, which makes reference to the “reigning world champion Chicago Cubs”.
• Take a copy of Obama’s book The Audacity of Hope.  Beginning at page 12 and going through page 297, write down the first letter of the first noun on the fourth sentence of the page.  You’ll be stunned at the secret message.

Jamie Moyer has signed a minor league contract with the Colorado Rockies.  The deal includes an invitation to Spring Training.  I’m assuming that the invitation includes an opportunity to try out for the team, and not just a meet-and-greet with Tulo and a tour of downtown Scottsdale.

I tracked down some people for their thoughts.  Without further ado, here’s the chatter about the signing.

We lost Moyer to an injury in 2011, and it cost us a shot at the World Series.  I figured we’d be able to re-sign Moyer for 2012, slot him into the top of the rotation, and let Halladay and Lee fight it out for the #2 spot.  I guess he got too expensive for us.

– Philly resident Evan Kline

When I heard that Moyer was going to be available, I had to go after him.  I can still remember when he broke in with the Cubs.  I didn’t actually SEE the game, since I was in my mother’s womb, but she could feel me kick every time he threw a pitch that day.

– Rockies GM Dan O’Dowd

Two words – AARP discount.  Yeah, I plan to hang out with Jamie a lot.  I’m sure he’s a cool guy and everything, but he can flash that card and get discounted food for everyone.  Hey, a penny saved is a penny earned.

– Rockies All-Star shortstop Troy Tulowitzki

He can get us into R-rated movies, right?

– Rockies pitcher Drew Pomeranz

I’ve never heard of this guy. Does he have a temper? If he’s going to be bashing the water cooler with a bat every time he has a bad game, I need to know – because I’ll have to get Smitty to order some extra water coolers. We can’t be signing these guys without doing a better job of vetting them – too much risk of property damage.

– Rockies manager Jim Tracy

What does Jamie Moyer have in common with me? We’re both prehistoric.

– Dinger

All kidding aside, I do see that as a good signing by the Rockies. On the human side of things, Moyer is by all accounts a great guy, and has several humanitarian awards to back it up. The Rockies also have a ton of young pitcher, and Moyer could serve as a role model and mentor for them.

On the baseball side of things, there’s not much risk to the deal, since it’s a minor league deal. There’s a very real chance that he could nail down the #5 starter spot. If he can manage to stay in the rotation for a few years, he might even have a shot at getting win #300 as a Rockie. I don’t think that would get him into the Hall of Fame, but it’d still be pretty cool.

[Editor’s note: turn back the clock to October 13, 2008.  In a dark corner of Blogspot, I launched the blog that would become The Soap Boxers.  This was the very first article.  As alluded to in the original title, and again in the final sentence, Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal was an inspiration for this article.]

A modest proposal: guerilla investments tactics

Many times, we hear about class warfare. The poor and middle class doing battle with the rich.

Unfortunately, this is not the battle that they should be fighting. Instead of fighting people outside of your socioeconomic status, you should instead be fighting the people within your own financial strata.

There are two ways to get ahead in life. You can pull yourself up or push others down. Is it easier to climb the ladder, or to push others off? Is it easier to sail around the world, or to sit in ambush and sink the ships of those who would attempt such a folly?

In the financial arena, many people are overlooking a simple fact. The prices of goods and services rise and fall with respect to the relative supply and demand. You might have a million dollars in the bank – but the true test of wealth is what you can buy with the money.

I recommend commencing guerrilla economic warfare.

In order to reduce the prices of goods, it is simply necessary to reduce the demand. One way to do this is to drain the resources of people in your financial strata, effectively pushing them down into a lower class. Today, there might be five people who are interested in purchasing a certain item. If you can cause three of these people to encounter financial difficulties, you will reduce the competition (demand) for the item, and thus the price.

One of the more effective ways to do this is to convince your victims to play the lottery heavily. Not only does this reduce the finances of your friend, but also takes the money out of the private sector. In theory, it should even reduce – or stall the increase – in your state income tax by providing extra revenue to the state.

You should proceed with caution when suggesting plans that would transfer wealth from your victim to others in the private sector. You do not, of course, want him to give the money to someone who is slightly below you in wealth, allowing the receiver to climb into your class. This would be a complete waste of energy, as it would result in no change in your relative wealth.

Instead, you should convince them to give their money to people who are much wealthier. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have little impact on the market for three bedroom houses. In a best case scenario, you want the money to go to someone with very few employees, to reduce the possibility that the wealthy person’s employees could climb into your financial strata. Ponzi schemes and other scams work very nicely.

Take this advice to heart, and be Swift in your actions. Your financial future is at stake.

 This story originally ran on June 8, 2009. It’s one of my favorites. We take you inside a day in hell, thanks to Satan’s Little Helper, Andy.

The alarm rang at 3 AM.  There is no such thing as a snooze button in the nether regions of Hell, so I forced myself out of my lumpy bed.  Someone had to manage the fires.  The union recently had an uprising and the result was that work weeks were capped at 120 hours.  The resulting shortage of manpower meant that even those of us in the inner circle had to take our turns keeping the home fires burning.  The Great Freeze of 2004 had occurred when the Boston Red Sox won the World Series.  Satan brought a bunch more nuclear reactors online and we managed to get through the crisis with substantial portions of the Great Fire still intact.  However, we still fear the Freeze to end all Freezes that will occur if the Chicago Cubs ever win the World Series.  That could result in the end of Hell as we know it.

I quickly ate my breakfast gruel and packed my lunch.  Braunschweiger, a bit of leftover blood sausage, somewhat moldy rye bread, broccoli, and prune juice.  Definitely one of my better lunches in a while.  I jumped in my Yugo and headed off toward the main fire pit.   The pot holes seemed a bit worse and a bit more frequent than they had been yesterday.  I quickly joined the assembly line and began to shovel molten fire into the box cars.  The train would take this load to an outlying region, where men would offload the fire in order to restart the dying fires in those regions.  The offloading was usually left to the young hellions, to get them acclimated to the heat slowly.  I’m really not sure why the union had fought for shorter work days – fire duty was a great job.  Lots of wonderful heat at the pit.

Finally, my shift was over and I jumped back into the Yugo and headed back to my studio apartment.  I had to check my email for messages from the boss.  Not surprisingly, my computer showed me the familiar Blue Screen of Death.  Satan kept promising to get us some Macs, but I wasn’t holding my breath.  I expected Windows to be the dominant operating system in Hell for many more years. After a few reboots, I managed to get into my email.  Just one message, but it was a bad one.

Andy,

Adolf and Eva are causing trouble in A-7 again.  I’m hearing that he’s trying to take over the sector and eventually march against me.  Run over to the Hitler home and have a chat with them.  Use your own discretion regarding punishment for this latest round of misbehavior

– Satan

I Yugo’d my way over to A-7 to have a little chat with Hitler.  After a contentious discussion, I finally got fed up and banished him to sector G-14 (telemarketers) for the next six months.  Adolf and Eva were obviously glutton for punishment, as they had been sent to G-14 at least five times in the last six years.  I can’t imagine what could possibly be worth that sort of punishment.  When Hitler had arrived here in the 1940s, he had been ushered into the inner circle and had Satan’s ear.  However, his repeated insubordination had caused him to lose his privileges, and he wasn’t even invited to the good parties any more.

The Yugo stalled a few times getting out of A-7.  Probably vapor lock.  When I got back home, I sat down in front of the computer and went onto eBay.  eBay was a bit slow over dial-up, but Satan had promised to install broadband soon.  eBay had been great for Procurement Services.  While at one time it had been necessary to wager a golden fiddle against Johnny’s immortal soul, the supply of souls on eBay had really brought the price down.  I bought fourteen souls for a grand total of $12,314.  Satan would be pleased with the purchases, although he’d be upset at the shipping charges.  Hell was outside of the normal delivery zones, so the shipping charges were out of this world.

My day’s work was over.  Time for some leisure.  I settled down on the futon and flipped on the 13 inch black and white TV.  142 channels, and all of them C-Span!  Could life get any better?

[Editor’s note: this really should be obvious … but to avoid getting sued, I’ll point out that these are not serious.]

Get Wesley Snipes on the phone and ask what his tax guy recommends.  Rich guys always have the best tax advisors.

It’s called “voluntary compliance” for a reason.  Because it’s voluntary.

Certainly, Fido qualifies as a dependent.

Yes, the above ground pool qualifies as a business expense.

Sign your tax return “Mickey Mouse”.  You’re completely safe from allegations of fraud, since your name isn’t on the return.

April 15th is more of a suggestion.  End of the year-ish should be just fine.

Yep, you can include that $58,752 in charitable contributions without any sort of documentation.

The fact that he picks up garbage for a living doesn’t mean that Bob isn’t perfectly qualified to prepare the tax return for your S corporation.

If your son acts like a 12 year old, he still qualfies as a dependent – even if he’s 30 in chronological years.

Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to pay your tax bill with currency from the Republic of Meopolis.  Money is money.

Include 6,874 pages of documentation with your 1040EZ.  Confusion is your friend.

Include fake copies of your W-2’s and 1099’s which understate your income.  The IRS has no way of independently verifying this information.

What’s ahead in the year ahead?  Kosmo takes his best guess.

Sports

• The Big 10 finally expands to 12 teams, allowing it to have a conference title game.  The new school, Sarah Lawrence College, is the trendy pick to claim the conference’s automatic BCS bid.
• The Cubs will fail to win the World Series.
• Notre Dame will fail to win the BCS National Championship.
• USC will be penalized by the NCAA because of athletes receiving improper benefits.
• The St. Louis Rams will double their win total from 2009.
• Brett Favre retires.  And then unretires.  And then retires again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.
• John Madden will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and if you can score more points than the other team, you have a good chance of winning the game.
• Jimmie Johnson’s run at a fifth consecutive NASCAR title comes to an abrupt end when pranksters release a “little bit” of air from his tires before the season ending race at Homestead.  Jeff Burton denies all responsibility.
• Joe Buck will be fired for incompetence when he repeatedly refers to Matt Holliday as “Pat Hentgen”.

Business

• The tobacco industry fights for approval to have their warning label changed.  The new label reads: “Cigarette smoking is hazardous to your health – but not nearly as bad for you as drop-rail cribs.”
• People finally stop buying stock in the old GM when Smokey Bear echoes the words of the US Government and the SEC by proclaiming that the stock will be completely worthless.
• AIG pays back all the money they owe the government.
• Google buys Twitter, Microsoft, Disney, Apple, Wikipedia, Dole, Berkshire Hathaway – and in a move that stuns everyone, attempts to buy itself via a hostile takeover.  The hostile takeover is foiled by renegade executives who launch a denial of service attack against the buyers.
• The postal services will raise postal rates.

News & Politics

• In November, California voters pass a ballot initiative that legalizes gay marriage.
• On the same November ballot, California voters pass a ballot initiative that reaffirms the current ban on gay marriage.
• In mid-December, California slides into the Pacific Ocean.
• A celebrity will die at a very young age.  The world will be shocked.
• Sarah Palin mobilizes a run for president.  Palin/Palin 2010 gains immediate support from the conservative base.  When Palin is informed that there is not a presidential election is 2010, she replies “I can see death panels from my front porch!”

Art, Entertainment, & Literature

• Danielle Steele releases eight new books.
• The art world is excited about a mysterious new piece of art.  Many art experts are unemployed eight days later when the “organic brown pigment on white paper” is discovered to be a coffee stain left on a napkin by a visitor.
• Michael Jackson’s estate earns eleventy trillion dollars from album sales, movie royalties, t-shirts, coasters, and revenue from the Neverland Hotel and Casino.
• On March 18, the Mickey Mouse gang is stunned to discover that the Mystery Mousketool will not fix the problem.  Much sadness.
• Conan O’Brien, blackballed by the major networks, lands a deal with PBS.  O’Brien hosts a children’s show that focuses on literacy.  The show, Conan the Librarian, is a complete flop.

Last night, ageless wonder Jamie Moyer (46 years old) threw 7 innings of one-hit ball against the Marlins.  The Phillies bullpen finished the game without incident, resulting in a combined one hitter.

Today, we give you a tribute to Jamie Moyer.  Here are 10 things you might not know about Jamie:

• Jamie Moyer once threw a fastball.  Sure, it was in Little League, but it’s on his permanent record.
• Jamie Moyer started his career in Philadelphia. With the Athletics.
• Jamie Moyer threw the first pitch on opening day. It should be crossing the plate at any moment.
• The Liberty Bell cracked while ringing to announce Jamie Moyer’s birth.
• Jamie Moyer grew up in a family of carpenters.  He served his apprenticeship helping his uncle Noah build an ark.
• Jamie Moyer’s grandson can hit a homerun off him. Then again, Dustin Moyer-Pedroia is a pretty decent player.
• Jamie Moyer graced the cover of the first baseball video game – Pong.
• If Jamie Moyer is pre-approved for a scooter or power chair and Medicare denies his claim, the Scooter Store will allow him to keep his scooter or power chair at no cost.
• Jamie Moyer bought a brand new car when he signed his first professional contract. He still has that Model T.
• The Phillies might need to shut down Jamie Moyer late in the year. He’s trying to figure out how much money he can earn before he is forced to claim social security benefits as income on his 1040.

All kidding aside, I do wish Jamie continued good luck in his career.

Note to regular readers of The Soap Boxers: in case you missed it, here’s a link to today’s Fiction Friday short story, Heidi and the Shark.

This article is completely fictional.  I have a great deal of respect for the real-life Strasburg.  Strasburg transformed himself, through hard work, from an undrafted high school player to the consensus top prospect in this year’s baseball draft.

San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg is certain to be a top selection in June’s baseball draft.  We at The Soap Boxers are big baseball fans, so we had reporter Scoop Chevelle hop on the first plane headed west to catch up with Strasburg in San Diego.  The interview got off to a bit of a rough start, as Scoop was unable to find Strasburg at the Aztec training facility or his apartment.  Finally, Scoop’s bloodhound instincts sniffed out Strasburg at the beach.  Strasburg was hesitant to interupt a leisurely day in the sun, but Scoop prevailed and Strasburg eventually agreed to an interview.

Scoop: Stephen, there have been reports that your agent, Scott Boras, is asking for a contract upwards of $50 million.  Many observers consider this to be an obscene amount of money for a kid who has never toed the mound in a professional game.  What do you have to say to those critics?

Strasburg:  Well, Scoopy,  it’s definitely a boatload of cash.  On the flip side, though, take a look at some of my newspaper clippings.  Oh, darn, I left my scrapbook in my room.  Well, anyway, there are a bunch of writers who are saying that I’m a once-in-a-decade prospect.  Last year’s #1 pick, Tim Beckham, signed for $6.15 million.  A once-in-a-decade talent is obviously worth ten times that amount.  The math is pretty simple – my fair market value is $61.5 million.  Who can blame Mr. Boras for asking for $50 million?  In my opinion, he’s being rather generous with the discount.

Scoop: Well, that’s definitely an interesting way to look at it.  The Washington Senators, er Nationals, have the top pick in the draft.  Do you expect them to select you with that pick?

Strasburg: No, certainly not.  Mr. Boras had some preliminary discussions with the team, but negotiations broke down over the non-financial terms.

Scoop: Wow, that’s incredible news.  Tell us, Stephen, what was the sticking point?

Strasburg: Well, as you know, I have always had an interest in politics.  I’m a public administration major, and always wanted to leverage my education into a spot in the US Senate.  Washington, as it turns out, is the home of the federal government.  Since the Capitol has spots for 100 senators, I thought that the Nationals could find a way to get me appointed to one of the seats.  Perhaps the vacant Minnesota seat.  They kept yammering about things like “abuse of power” and “age requirements”.  After a while, Mr. Boras and I realized that the Nationals simply weren’t going to negotiate in good faith, so we broke off the talks.

Scoop: Well, then, where might we  expect to  see you land?

Strasburg: The Pirates, Scoop.

Scoop: The Pittsburgh Pirates, Stephen?  Is that some sort of a joke?

Strasburg: Well, they wouldn’t be the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Team officials are working with the mayor to change the name of the city to Strasburg, Pennsylvania.  Clearly, this is a team that has been fighting a lot of bad luck over the last few years, and they are destined for a breakout.  Hopefully I can pitch well enough down the stretch to get them to the World Series this year.

Scoop: Yes, that would definitely be quite the achievement.  Well, Stephen, it has been great talking to you.  I’m absolutely famished.  Where’s a good place to eat around here?

Straburg: Well, there’s Tony Gwynn’s bar and grill.  They have a half pound burger – all lean meat with no bull.  They call it the Strasburger …

Like this article?  You might enjoy Scoop’s interview with Manny Ramirez from last winter.

Come on Husker fans … have a sense of humor 🙂

The score you saw in the papers was New Mexico 83, Nebraska 71.

This was not, however, the actual score of the game. Some wealthy Nebraska alums quietly negotiated with the media (and the New Mexico coaches) and the media took the cash and reported a close score. All recordings of the event were destroyed.

In truth, Nebraska got absolutely smoked. If I told you the actual score, you’d tell me that it was physically impossible to lose by that many points. Much of the blame was placed on the shoulders of interim basketball coach Tom Osborne Jr. The mistakes in the game were countless, so we’ll break them down by category

Personnel issues
The Huskers were given repeated technical fouls for having too many players on the court. More often than not, Nebraska broke the huddle with eleven players.

The Huskers featured a center who was 6’8” and weighed 320 pounds. This is perhaps understandable, but the presence of two guards who tipped the scales at 300+ pounds was a bit unconventional. Coach Osborne explained: “Hey, you need big guys up front to protect the quarterback.” The result of this decision was a fast break that moved at a snail’s pace, as well as a complete inability to get back on defense.

Style of play too physical
The Huskers got in foul trouble early. This was due to what could be loosely described as moving picks. Coach Osborne was quite upset by these calls. “I could understand a few holding calls,” he sputtered “but since when are you not allow to block the opponent and push him downfield?”

Forgetting to dribble
The Huskers had a tendency to toss the basketball to their power forward and have him charge through the middle of the defense. Unfortunately, he forgot to dribble. Or, in the words of one upset Nebraska fan “you’re supposed to drop the ball on purpose? Why would you do that? That’s a fumble.”

Incomplete passes
The favorite play of the Huskers was a sixty foot toss down the court. Unfortunately, so of these passes were not caught on the fly, and the receivers would pick up the “incomplete pass” and toss it to the referee, thinking that the ball was dead.

Ignoring the basket
Nebraska seemed to be completely unaware of the basket for much of the game, instead preferring to move the ball out of bounds over the end line for a “touchdown”. This resulted in a few dozen turnovers during the course of the game.

On the rare occasion when the Huskers did pay attention to the basket, they attempted to make a field goal by kicking the ball from mid court. None of these attempts were successful.

This was an absolutely brutal game to watch. I would strongly suggest that Nebraska disband their basketball team to avoid a similar disgrace in the future.

Note: this is a work of fiction. A longer disclaimer can be found at the end of the piece.

The Soap Boxers was stunned to learn that the governor of Minnesota has suggested a radical cost savings plan – having the US Senate shrink its membership to just fifty members – one from each state.

We smelled a great story and sent resident bloodhound Scoop Chevelle to the frozen tundra to check the story out. Scoop arrived at the governor’s mansion on a snowmobile-driven carriage and was granted an audience with His Lordship, the Governor of Minnesota, Tom Lawplenty.

SC: My Lord Governor. It is a pleasure to finally meet you.

Gov: Scooter, let’s get rid of the formality. You may simply call me lord.

SC: Yes, lord. Some representatives of other states have suggested that this plan to reduce the US Senate to 50 members from its present membership of 99 is simply a ploy to return Minnesota to full representation in the Senate to avoid having the courts settle the Franken/Coleman election.

Gov: What a load of hogwash, Scooby. Obviously, the Frankenstein / Coolman issue will be resolved within the next few days. My only agenda is to reduce the cost of government to the fine taxpayers of the United States. I believe each senator is paid five million dollars per year. Cutting fifty senate positions would thus save taxpayers three billion dollars each year!

SC: Actually, I’m pretty sure they make $174,000. Reducing fifty senators would save $8,700,000.

Gov: Skippy, don’t try to confuse the taxpayers with that deceptive “new math” you New York folks are slinging around. Consider also that each senator has a staff of three hundred, eight chefs, a barbershop quartet, and a dog groomer. We’re a talking about tens of thousands of positions that could be eliminated, at a savings of seven trillion dollars.

SC: I think those numbers may be based on some inaccurate information, my lord.

Gov: Also, Sarah, this plan would finally put an end to the senate hazing.

SC: Hazing?

Gov: Oh, yes, Sally. You would not believe the hazing that occurs. The senior senators from each state treat the junior senators very poorly. The cut ahead of them in line at the cafeteria, steal their lunch money, flush their heads down the toilet, shove them into lockers. It really isn’t pretty.

SC: Well, this is definitely an, um, enlightened viewpoint. Do you have anything else to add?

Gov: Oh, yes, Wendy. We should not stop there. We should also reduce the House of Representatives by half.

SC: How would this be feasible? Some states have an odd number of representatives.

Gov: Well, Amy, we could handle this like King Solomon and chop someone in half. Ha. ha, ha. I’m just kidding. If a state had seven representatives, they would have four representatives during one session of congress and three during the next session of congress.

SC: How would you handle Wyoming, with its single representative?

Gov: Oh, that’s very easy, Jasmine. Wyoming would have one representative half the time and zero representatives half the time.

SC: Lord, are you seriously proposing taxation without representation for the citizens of Wyoming?

Gov: Ha, ha, ha. Where would you ever gets such a crazy idea, Crystal? Of course not. I’m Mr. e pluribus unum himself. Carpe diem and salve regina!

SC [visibly confused]: Well, there you have it, America. This is Scoop Chevelle, reporting to you from the heartland of America.

Note: This is a work of fiction. It has minimal basis in fact. I believe the only facts are that Norm Franken and Norm Coleman are indeed still locked in a court battle surrounding their senate race, and that there are snowmobiles in Minnesota. I have altered the name of the Governor of Minnesota to reflect the fictional nature (and to avoid having him hunt me down and punch me in the face). The character of Lord Governor Lawplenty does not share core values with the real governor of the state, nor does he represent the fine citizens of Minnesota in any way.

People of Minnesota (and Wyoming): please, no hate mail . Give me enough time, and I will eventually take shots at all 50 states. I have already written an Oregon article (click the “Humor” link on the right side of the screen)