The SoapBoxers

[Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. The author has taken dramatic liberties with the personalities of any real person portrayed within this story.

Note: when reading this, keep in mind the fact that the exchange rate is roughly 100 yen per 1 US dollar]

The Soap Boxers has had some well placed sources eavesdropping on the Manny Ramirez situation. As a result, TCO is the first media outlet to bring you this breaking news – Manny Ramirez has signed with the Tigers.

No, not those Tigers. The Hanshin Tigers of the Japanese Central League. TCO sent our Chief Observation Officer, reporter Scoop Chevelle, to the Ramirez compound to get the inside information. When Scoop arrived on the scene, Manny was dressed in a kimono, resting in his Lazyboy and sipping some red sake.

Scoop: Manny, I must say that I am shocked at this news, as is the rest of the sports world. It really seemed to come out of nowhere. Why did you decide to sign with Hanshin?

Manny: Well, Scoop, they offered me a three year deal at thirty million yen per year. Thirty million! I was having a lot of difficulty getting the Dodgers to give me even twenty five, and then Hanshin drops in with an initial offer of thirty. Needless to say, I was very impressed. I was able to negotiate the deal myself – I didn’t even involve Boras in the deal.

Scoop: Are you sure that it was wise move to negotiate the deal without an agent?

Manny: Yeah, I saved a few bucks cutting Scott out of the deal. He takes a big chunk of the money.

Scoop appears to be on the verge of making a comment, then thinks better of it and remains silent.

Manny: Also, they’re naming the stadium after me. Very cool.

Scoop: How familiar are you with the Japanese culture? Do you expect to have any difficulty adjusting to a new country?

Manny: Me, have trouble adjusting? No, way, man. I’m like a chameleon. Manny the chameleon is what they called me in Boston. I blend in wherever I go. I’m really looking forward to experiencing the Japanese culture. I love egg rolls and fortune cookies, and I’m anxious to see that wall that everyone is always talking about.

After wrapping up that interesting interview, Scoop jumped on TCO’s private jet and flew across the Pacific Ocean to talk to Hanshin manager Akinobu Okada.

Scoop: Congratulations on signing Manny Ramirez, Mr. Okada.

Okada: Thank you Scoop. We were actually pleasantly surprised at how quickly we were able to negotiate a deal with Mr. Ramirez. We think we have a deal that is fair to both sides.

Scoop: Manny mentioned that Hanshin will be naming the stadium after him. Is that really true?

Okada: That’s not quite true. We’re actually naming the field after him. We will play on Manny Ramirez field at Koshien Stadium. You might say that we’re taking a page out of the book of your Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Scoop: What do you expect from Manny? Do you anticipate any problems with his adjustment to the Japanese style of baseball?

Okada: We think that Mr. Ramirez can really help strengthen our offense. Hanshin not won a Japan Series since 1985 nor a Central League title since 2005. Our fans deserve a title. We feel that signing Mr. Ramirez gave us the best chance to win. We certainly don’t expect any problems with Mr. Ramirez’s adjustment. The American players typically adjust fairly quickly to the mindset that the players must always follow the orders of the manager. We foresee a quick adjustment for Mr. Ramirez.

Scene shifts to TCO Studio

Scoop: Well, there you are, folks. After months of wooing Manny, the Dodgers had him stolen away at the last minute by Japan’s Hanshin Tigers. The addition of Manny should put Hanshin in a position to battle Central League juggernaut Yomirui for the league title.

[Note: this is intended to be a humorous parody of the relatively short delay in declaring a winner in the Oregon senate race. It is not intended to be an accurate representation of the state’s election process.]

As we trot toward the festivities of Thanksgiving, the diligent election workers in the state of Oregon continue their thankless job of counting the votes. We expect a winner to be declared in the senate race any day now.

TCO caught up with Joe Saycanusi of the Oregon Secretary of State’s office.

TCO: Joe – Do you mind if I call you Joe? It is now 2 weeks past election day and we’re still waiting for a winner in the Merkley/Smith Senate race. What, exactly, is causing the delay?

JS: Well, TCO, we are experiencing multiple issues. As you know, all voting in Oregon is done through the mail. This year, we have had a bit of a West Nile epidemic, and this has really put a strain on the herd.

TCO: Er, what’s that? Do you mean that the mail in Oregon is actually delivered via pony express?

JS: Of course. What else would we use? Oxen are strong, but they’re pretty slow. We had a second health issue as well – several of the horses came down with constipation. Believe me, when a horse is waiting to take a crap, you’re just going to have to wait it out. Really, I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. The new congress doesn’t start work for a while yet. As long as we’ve declared a winner by then, everything is cool.

TCO: Well, Joe, that’s very fascinating. Thank you for enlightening us.

TCO: We were also cable to catch up with a precinct captain in Multnomah County. We are pleased to speak to John Morgan.

TCO: Captain Morgan – how are you feeling this morning?

CM: Aye, a bit hung over, to be honest. We’ve been doing this bloody counting for umpteen days now. It’s enough to drive you a bit mad after a while, so I went on a bit of a bender last night.

TCO: I believe that you had a bit of a problem with some votes in one of your precincts. Can you explain what happened?

CM: Well, the middle of last week, our cleaning people came in at night to scrub the place down. Unfortunately, when our counters got in the next morning, they discovered an absolute tragedy. Our permanent record of the vote counting had been destroyed – the blackboard was scrubbed clean! Even worse, the ballots had been thrown out with the trash!

TCO: Wow. That’s horrible. Yet, you are expecting to have complete results …

CM: I know what you’re thinking. No, we didn’t just make up some numbers. We grabbed our boots and headed out to the dump. After two days in the dump, we recovered every single ballot. Then we went work, removing chewing gum and taco sauce from the ballots. It was hard work, but I am confident that every single vote has been tallied correctly.

TCO: Wow, that’s quite the ballot tale, captain Morgan. That’s it for this installment of the news. Join us next time as we oversee the counting of ballots in the Alaska senate race.