The SoapBoxers

To the KFC on Highway 1 in Iowa City

I love your food.  My favorite is probably the mashed potato bowl.  Mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and little nuggets of chicken, all combined into one bowl.  What’s not to like?  I’m also a fan of the original chicken.  My wife also likes your food.

Unfortunately, I will never darken your door (or drive thru) again.  Why?  Because your service is absolutely dreadful.  Let me count the ways.

First, on multiple visits (months apart) I have come across a situation where the drive thru speaker is broken.  This isn’t apparent until you actually wait in line for a while.  It is frustrating to arrive at the ordering station and realize that you’re not going to be able to order your food until you get to the final window.  This creates an additional delay.  Getting this permanently fixed would be a high priority if I owned the KFC.

Second, the service is too slow.  It is common for me to wait 15-20 minutes in the drive thru when there are only a handful (3-4) cars ahead of me.  This is not the exception, this is the rule.  I’m not exaggerating, either.  Since this starting become an issue, I keep track of what time it is when I pull into the line.  I can actually put my car in “park” a couple of times while I am waiting.  One time, while waiting in line,  I was approached by an older gentleman (apparently from out of town) who wanted directions.  I was able to give him detailed directions and send him on his way – and the line had not moved forward even an inch during this time.  From what I can see of the inside of the restaurant, the service doesn’t seem much quicker there, either.  This is supposed to be fast food, but it’s really not fast.  I can get a pizza from my favorite restaurant as quickly as I can get a potato bowl from KFC.

Finally, your employees simply make too many mistakes.  There are frequently problems with the order.  A recent order had the wrong variety of chicken (extra crispy instead of original recipe) and didn’t have any gravy on the mashed potatoes.  The order was taken correctly, as the correct items are on the receipt – the order was simply fulfilled incorrectly.  We complained about that incident and received a postcard for a free meal.  I redeemed that a couple of night ago.  After a very long wait, I finally pulled up to the window and ordered (since the speaker was broken).  As the lady was putting things into the bag, I asked for honey and butter.  She tossed something in the bag, and I assumed she gave us both, instead of checking.  Nope, she didn’t include any butter.

Quite honestly, you’re no longer worth the hassle.  There are a lot of other restaurants in town, and most of them provide a much better experience for the customer.

Note that I do not believe that this is indicative of all KFC restaurants.  Over the years, I have eaten at many KFCs and have had a lot of positive experiences.

First, I’d like to welcome the new readers who came here via The Digerati Life. Read the current articles, explore the archives, and consider becoming a subscriber. We’ve been pretty sports-heavy in the last week – if you look through the archives, you’ll see that we’re usually a lot more eclectic.

Second, I am happy to announce the release of my new eBook – Selling Yourself Short – An Introduction to Short Story Writing. Selling Yourself Short is a 2500 word introduction to the process of short story writing – from creating your writing environment to developing the plot. In an effort to keep this handy guide affordable to all of our readers, the everyday price is just $1.49. However, for the next week, the price is just 99 cents. Don’t like it? There’s a money back guarantee! Buy it today at the Hyrax Publications store.

And now, on to this vintage article – a review of my favorite restaurant in the whole world.

I find myself in the situation of living several hours away from my favorite restaurant, the result of a move six years ago.  If you ever find yourself in Illinois, Indiana, or Wisconsin, look up Monical’s Pizza.  You’ll be glad you did.

I travel into Monical’s country exactly once a year on a business trip.  After checking into my hotel, I always make a beeline for Monicals.  I also try to hit it at least one other time during the trip.  On my most recent trip, I ate there three times.

The menu at Monical’s features pizza, of course.  You can also get pasta and sandwiches.  I almost always get the pizza, but I’ve also had the spaghetti and meatballs, which are quite good.

Over the years, I have refined my order and have it down to a science.  I get the Individual Pleaser (a combo meal that includes a pizza, salad, and soft drink).  I choose the 8″ thin crust pizza topped with bacon, ham, hamburger, steak, green peppers, and premium blend cheese (a mozzarella/cheddar mix).  I get the salad sans tomatoes and carrots due to an intolerance of vegetables.

The salad comes out immediately.  In my case, simply lettuce topped with shredded cheese.  I’m not a big fan of salads, but the Monical’s salads are always good.  The lettuce is always quite fresh.  The best part of the salad, however, is the french dressing.  Monical’s has quite simply the best french dressing in the world.  If you don’t believe me, go to their web site and order a few bottles.  Unlike a lot of restaurants which give you only a small bit of dressing, Monical’s brings a bottle to the table and lets you use as much as you want.

The construction of my salad is an art.  First, I picked up the entire salad with one hand and hold the bottle in the other hand, laying down a solid base layer of dressing.  Then I drop 1/3 of the lettuce into the bowl and put down another layer of dressing.  By the time I am finished, the lettuce is swimming in the dressing – just as God intended.

When the pizza comes out, it is hot and crispy.  It isn’t burnt, but it’s just on the brink – at the exact level of crispiness that gives the crust a perfect taste.  My particular pizza presents a small problem.  I have a lot of meat toppings, and this gives to toppings a slickness that makes is difficult for the toppings to adhere to the crust.  I fight a small war against the pizza, attempting to take bites that contain equal bits of crust and topping.  Overall, I win the war, but I do lose a few battles, and some of the toppings slide off the crust just as I take a bite.

So the food is great, but what about the people?  Honestly, I’m not sure where they find their employees.  In the overall retail world, it seems that employees have become fairly rude.  This has never been the case when I have eaten at Monicals.  I have always found their employees to be extremely polite and friendly.

OK, but surely the high quality food and good service come at a price, right?  Yep.  I spend the incredible sum of $8.82 on my meal – a pizza with 6 toppings, salad, and soft drink.  I could spend almost that much on a burger at a fast food joint and get only a fraction of the enjoyment.

Is there a regional chain in you’re area that you’re a big fan of?  Tell me about it.

I have had the pleasure of experiencing Niagara Falls twice.  The first time was in 2001 on a solo trip – a stopover of just a few hours.  The second time was a honeymoon trip in 2004 – a considerably longer stay.  In 2001, I was on a trip from Illinois out to the baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.  At some point, I realized that Niagara Falls was about 20 minutes out of the way.  I didn’t have a huge burning desire to visit Niagara Falls, but it was so close that it seemed silly not to make a side trip.  I was driving from Cooperstown, NY to Sandusky, OH that day, so I didn’t have a lot of time for Niagara Falls.

I was completely blown away.  The Falls have an awesome power.  I stood near the Falls, simply gazing at them for the longest time.  Even more incredible is the fact that much of the water from the Niagara River is diverted into a hydroelectric plant, lessening the amount of water that goes over the Falls.  In spite of this, it was still the most fascinating thing I have ever seen.  An interesting note is that Niagara Falls is the honeymoon capital of the world … and also the suicide capital of the world.

Of course, there is more to do than simply watching the Falls.  First and foremost, take a trip to the Canadian side.  Because of the geography of the Falls, the view from the Canadian side is much better.  From the US side, you’re kind of looking over the Falls from an awkward angle.  From the Canadian side, you’re looking straight into the teeth of the Falls.  The difference is night and day.

The most famous tourist attraction is probably the Maid of the Mist boat ride.  The boat takes you up to the very edge of the Falls (at the bottom, of course).  You eventually get close enough that the Falls pushes the boat away from the Falls and back toward where you came.  Each passenger is given a keepsake plastic raincoat (of the thin variety), and you’ll need it.  You’ll still get wet, though.  Another neat thing right at the Falls in the Journey Under the Falls.  This is a tunnel that actually allows you to walk under the Falls.  At one point, you actually view the Falls from behind.  There are also some other water-based activities in the area.  We took a jet boat ride through the rapids.  It was fairly pricey, but was a pretty cool experience.  You can also dine at a restauant high above the Falls or take a helicopter ride above them.

If you want some of the toursity type of activities, you are definitely in luck.  There are two Hard Rock Cafes (one on the US side, one on the Canadian side), a Planet Hollywood, a Hershey’s store, and a multitude of other stores and attractions (including a Ripley’s Believe It or Not and a few museums).  Of course, there are a large number of stores that sell souvenirs, so you needn’t worry about walking away empty handed.  And if you really want some big city thrill, Toronto beckons.  If you’re a history buff, there is quite a bit of history in the Niagara Falls area.  One example is Fort Niagara.  Fort Niagara is one of the oldest continously operated military bases in the US, dating back to 1726. 

I’ll warn you up front that photography can be a challenge.  The spray from the Falls tends to get the camera lens wet very quickly, leading to blurry photos.

We have a card with HSBC that gives us 1% cash back on all purchases and 2% back on weekend purchases.  We’ve started charging a lot of things so that we get the cash back.  Note: we have not changed our spending patterns because of the availability of credit on the card; we simply use the card for purchases they we need to make anyway (such as diapers for the young ‘un).  We pay off the entire balance every month.  A credit card should never be used as an excuse for reckless spending. On the face, it’s a pretty cool card.  We’ve had quite a few negative experiences with the card, though.

Telemarketers

Soon after getting the card, we started getting telemarketing calls.  My wife is listed as the primary cardholder, so they would always ask for her.  When I would ask what the purpose of the call was (my standard question to weed out telemarketers) they would refuse to tell me.  The only wa y we knew that it was HSBC is that we kept track of the number, which we were later able to determine was HSBC, due to subsequent calls.

When my wife actually did answer the phone, she would ask for the purpose of the call, and the telemarketers would completely clam up and not tell her, either.  This was really bizarre.  I have encountered a lot of strange sales pitches over the years, but a sales call during which the caller doesn’t want to talk about the product or service they are selling is definitely a new trick.  After talking to a manager and threatening to cancel the card if these calls did not stop, they calls eventually stopped.  It’s almost as if these folks were in training and dealing with human beings for the first time.

Wrong name

HSBC had a security breach (widespread, not just us) and issued new cards with new numbers.  My wife’s card looked great.  My card, on the other hand, did not.  My name was backwards (Public Q. John instead of John Q. Public).  As someone with a background in IT, it amuses me that they managed to someone get one name right and the other name wrong – indicating that they do not have a particularly consistent process.

My wife called to get this problem fixed.  She’s the primary cardholder, so she gets to have all the fun dealing with HSBC.

The person she talked to seem to struggle to understand the actual problem at first.  This seems a bit odd, since my wife understood it fully in the three seconds I took to explain it to her (“hey, my name is backwards on the credit card”) – shouldn’t someone in the credit card industry be able to grasp this concept?

Finally, he agreed to send a new card, and then stated that he was going to activate the new cards and cancel the old ones.  Thus began another frustrating exchange for my wife, who pointed out that he should not do this, since this would cause me to be without a card.  The HSBC person said that I would be able to use the new card.  It took my wife a long time to point out that I would not be able to use the new card, since the name on the card did not actually match my name.  Sure, logically a merchant might decide that I am indeed the correct person, but they would be well within their rights to reject the card because the signature doesn’t match the name.

Can we sell you more stuff while we’re fixing our goof?

So I finally get the new card with the correct information and call to activate it.  For some reason, I can’t use the automated method and get dumped to a human.  (sigh).  During the activation, she tries to sell me a credit protection product.  I politely tell her I’m not interested and just want to activate the card.

As she is cancelling the old card, she tries once again to sell me this product, which causes me to get a bit upset with her and tell her that she is really not providing good customer service, and that she should just perform the service that I am actually asking for.  &^%%^$%##$@()(*, I already told you once that I am not interested.  I spend a lot of money with your card.  Are you trying to alienate me on purpose?  No means no.

Paranoid fraud alert

We’re at the mall this past weekend and hit Target and a few other stores.  We use the card a total of five times before it starts getting denied.  It turns out that they had flagged out account for suspicious activity.

Target was a fairly big charge, but not substantially larger than what we spend in typical trip.  We always spend a fair amount at Target, because it is our main place to shop.  We have a toddler, and Target is our main supplier of diapers, baby wipes, baby clothes, etc (which can really add up in a hurry).

The other four charges were pretty small charges (one was at Taco Bell).  All of the stores are places where we have repeatedly used the card in the past.  Additionally, the two locations where the card was denied were also places were we often shop.  (Why did I try at a second store after being denied at the first store?  I’m an optimist and assumed that Barnes and Noble had a problem with their card reader.  Nope, the card reader is fine – the card was the problem.)

At this point, I’m really not sure what was so suspicious about the activity.  The total dollar amount was well within our normal spending patterns, and all of the stores were places we had shopped before.

In closing

Needless to say, we’re looking for a new card.  Has anyone had good expereinces?  We’re looking for something with cash back, rather than airline miles or other “rewards”.

UPDATE: I have recently been contacted by someone from the HSBC executive office.  He is interested in taking a look at this situation and determining why these issued occurred.  I haven’t had a chance to respond to him yet.  I do appreciate the fact that HSBC is looking at this as a learning opportunity.  I will update this post with future developments.

SUBSEQUENT UPDATE: read the exciting conclusion to the saga.

On April 28, 1787, Fletcher Christian led the crew of the HMS Bounty in a mutiny against Captain William Bligh. Bligh and those loyal to him were set adrift on a small boat. Bligh was eventually able to report the mutiny to British authorities.

In an effort to evade the British navy, Christian and eight other crew members, along with some Tahitians who had been kidnapped, settled on the remote Pitcairn Island. After landing on Pitcairn Island, the Bounty was intentionally burned, marooning everyone on this remote island.

Incredibly, Pitcairn Island is still populated by the descendants of the mutineers. The population swelled from twenty seven people who originally landed on the island until the population threatened to outgrow the island in the 1850s (Pitcairn Island is just 1.75 square miles in size). In fact, the entire population moved to relatively close Norfolk Island (only a five week trip by boat). Within a few years, many of these people moved back to Pitcairn Island, and the population grew once again, peaking at 233 in 1937. Today, the population hovers around fifty, as many residents have chosen to emigrate off the island.

Pitcairn Island is as inaccessible as a place can be in this current age. It is in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and does not have an airstrip or a harbor that is suitable for ships. Anything that needs to be transferred is transferred via a longboat, which travels from the island to a nearby ship. Visitors from smaller boats visit the island occasionally, as well.

Pitcairn exports honey and handcrafted items. A rather significant segment of the island’s revenue comes from the sale of postage stamps to collectors as well as domain registrations under the .pn top level domain. People can also subscribe to the local newspaper, either online or in print. The printed edition can take a while to arrive. Interestingly, all of the homes on the island have internet access (a single satellite connection that is networked to all the houses).

The stories from Pitcairn are not all happy, of course. There are reports that sexual promiscuity is common and that men engage is sex with very young girls – and that these things have been occurring for a very long period of time. In 2004, seven men from Pitcairn were put on trial for rape and other charges. Six of the men were found guilty. Five of them have subsequently been released to home detention.

So the next time you’re thinking of a trip to a remote location, swing by Pitcairn Island and tell them I sent you!  If you’re trying to get away from the rat race, there are very few options that are better.

Wikipedia was a source for this article.

I started subscribing to the Sporting News a few months ago. The subscription rate was cheap, so I figured I would give it a shot.

I have been pretty disappointed. It doesn’t seem to stack up very well against other sports publications and web sites. In particular, its analysis of statistics can be rather poor at times.

The March 30th edition is a case in point. There is an article related to the shortness of a running back’s career. An inset box titled “built for the short run” shows the average years of service for the starters at various positions in week 1 of the NFL season.

I assume that we were to take these numbers and draw a conclusion about the average length of an NFL career for those positions – but I would be really hesitant to do that, since that would be a poor use of the data. It completely ignores bench players and the stage of a player’s career – maybe this year’s draft class just had a great crop of running backs.

Take this example: let’s say that every NFL team had a 10 year veteran at running back in week 1. Then, in week 2, they yanked the veterans and plugged in rookies.

If we run the Sporting News stat, the average years of service would be 10 years for the starters in week 1 and would then slide dramatically to an average of 1 year of service for the starters in week 2. Yet, the cast of players didn’t change, nor did the expected career length.

The model is simply a poor fit – it does not measure what the Sporting News is trying to make it measure. It would be like taking the three members of my family, calculating the average age, and declaring this to be the average life span.

(Note: this article was originally truncated. I apologize for the confusion)

John Corey, former NYPD detective and current member of the anti-terrorist task force (ATTF) has a rather straightforward task to complete on April 15th. He and his team are to take custody of a terrorist who has turned himself in and transfer the terrorist from LaGuardia airport to a federal facility in New York City. What could possibly go wrong?

Plenty can go wrong, of course. The terrorist, a Libyan named Asad Kahlil, makes quite a splash immediately upon arrival in he United States. Khalil quickly escapes and begins work toward his real mission – a mission that has been many years in the planning. John Corey and his team are a few steps behind Kahlil, and a great cat and mouse game begins. The lion begins to stalk his prey – and the prey have no idea they are being hunted until the very last moment.

The book moves back and forth between the viewpoints of John Corey and Asad Khalil, and also has flashbacks to Khalil’s adolescence. This allows DeMille an opportunity to let the reader inside the head of Khalil. We are able to understand why Kahlil acts the way he does – how his past and his country’s culture have shaped him as a man. We also get the opportunity to see how a major terrorist campaign is planned and carried out. Asad Khalil has revenge on his mind, and he has brought death to the “land of the infidels”.

John Corey and his sidekick, Kate Mayfield, are worthy adversaries for Khalil. Corey is a brilliant detective, but he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. He has some big problems with authority figures and also has a tendency to tell jokes that offend certain ethnic, religious, and gender groups. He has a tendency to operate outside the rules from time to time. Subtlety is not his stock in trade. These are some of the reasons why he is former NYPD, rather than active NYPD. Kate Mayfield, on the other hand, is the shining example of a by-the-books FBI agent. She, too, is a brilliant investigator, but she stays within the rules.

The synergy created by their partnership aids them greatly in working the case. They are a step behind Khalil out of the gate and have to play catch-up. However, they manage to muddle their way through bureaucratic red tape (and some folks who seem to be playing for a different team) and eventually figure out what Kahlil is up to and aggressively give chase in the latter portion of he book, culminating in a final, dramatic showdown.

* * *

I first encountered this book when I stumbled across the audio version in Barnes and Noble. I was about to take off on a solo trip from Illinois to New York State. The audio version of the book appealed to me for two main reasons. It was bargain priced, and it was 25 hours long. The book captivated me for the entire 25 hours.

Since that initial listening, I have listened to the audio version at least two more times, I have read the book twice, and I have listened to the abridged edition of the audio book. I don’t make a habit of overdosing on one particular book, so I obviously enjoy this book a lot. The Soap Boxers gives this book a rating of “freaking awesome”!

In my opinion, the abridged edition of the audio book falls fall short of the unabridged edition. They had to cut to book from 25 hours to 9, so obviously some of the plot had to be lost. However, I’m not a big fan of the way they made some of the cuts. Also, I much prefer the reading job done by Scott Brick on the unabridged edition to the job done by Boyd Gaines on the abridged edition. Gaines doesn’t really do anything wrong, but Brick is simply awesome.

Nelson Demille The Lion’s Game – Book

Nelson Demille The Lion’s Game – CD   NOTE: ABRIDGED 🙁

A few years ago, I changed cell phone plans. I decided to save a few bucks and went with a plan that doesn’t have the internet. Not surprisingly, the inability to have sports scores at my fingertips hit me the hardest. Withdrawal set in hard.

Before long, a friend of mine made me aware of a site that sends text messages with sports scores – and tons of other alerts. This site is 4info.net. It’s a great one-stop shop for text alerts, allowing you to coordinate everything under a single ID and password. It’s also free. It is supported by advertising. There is a very short ad at the end of each message (it is a part of the main message, not a separate text message). For example, one recent messages ended with this “Romance Reading! Reply LUV”. If you are interested in the ad, you reply to the text message (your cell provider might charge you for incoming/outgoing text messages – 4info does not charge for the service). If you’re not interested in the ad, you simply ignore it. As far as advertisements go, these are pretty easy to live with.

I absolutely love the sports alerts. I get a text message at the end of every Colorado Rockies game to tell me the score. I could have opted for a message at the end of every inning, or any time the score or lead changes, but those seemed like a bit of overkill – especially considering how many runs the Rockies score (and allow). You can also configure alerts for particular players. For example, I am a big fan of Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki, so I get a text message every time Tulo gets a hit. Similar options are available for other sports. This is a great tool for fantasy sports junkies. The NCAA basketball tournament is just around the corner, and 4info is great for keeping up on scores from all the game.

4info’s services go far beyond sports, though. I also get the weather forecast so that I can be ready for the mood swings that Mother Nature tends to have in the Midwest. The “on this day” alerts tells you about an important (or not-so-important) event that occurred on today’s date. The stock market alert allows you to track stocks (or indexes) and get alerts when the price goes above of below a certain price – or rises or drops more than a specific percent. The daily insult delivers a zinger that you’ll be tempted to use later in the day. Those of you who wish to acquire new superstitions can receive snippets about superstitions every day (“if you walk through a spider web without seeing it, you will soon receive money”). Want to be notified when a particular item is listed on Craiglist? It can do that. Last, but not least, fans of astrology can have their horrorscopes sent to their cell phones every day.

This is not a comprehensive list of the alerts that 4info has. I highly recommend this free service and suggest that you subscribe to it immediately. It truly does have something for everyone.

I wake up every morning to the Billy Joel song We Didn’t Start the Fire. I’m not a particularly big fan of Billy Joel (although I also like “Piano Man”), but this one particular song is one of my all time favorites. My daughter (18 months old) also likes it a lot.

Not only is the song pleasing to the ear, but it also works as a great jumping off point for a history lesson. History seems to be a forgotten subject these days, so why not use music to create an interest in history? Most of you have heard the song, but do you really know all of the correct lyrics? The first time I saw the written lyrics, my curiosity was piqued and I had to immediately research some of the names and events. I’ll give short explanations of some of the lyrics to get you started. I’ve included the complete lyrics at the end of the post (hopefully I got most of the lyrics correct) – go ahead and research some of the others on your own.

Johnnie Ray – Ray overcame deafness in both ears to become a major music star of the 1950s.

Panmunjom – Panmunjom, Korea, was the site of truce talks during the Korean war. A sticky point was the topic of how to handle prisoners of war. Some had been brainwashed and others who did not want to return to their countries. On July 23, 1953, the United Nations, China, and North Korea (but not South Koreas) signed a truce.

Malenkov – Georgy Malenkov succeeded Joseph Stalin as leader of Russia’s communist party. He was an opponent of nuclear armament. He was forced out of the post after two years, and eventually forced out of the government completely after his involvment in a failed attempt to unseat Krushchev.

Dien Bien Phu falls – The French stronghold of Dien Bien Phu, Vietnam (French Indochina at that time) fell victim to a siege by the Viet Minh during the first Indochina war. The French surrendered at Dien Bien Phu in May, 1954, effectively ending their presence in Vietnam.

Zhou Enlai (alternate spelling Chou En-Lai) was a leader of the Chinese communist party. Zhou was a comrade of Mao Zedong (Mao Tse-Tung) and served as China’s foreign minister and later as chairman of the Chinese communist party. He advocated peaceful coexistence with the west.

Children of thalidomide – Thalidomide was sold to pregnant women as a method to prevent morning sickness and a sleeping aid. Thousands of children were born with birth defects that were linked to thalidomide, and the drug was banned.

Payola – In the 1950s and 1960s, record companies began a practice of paying disc jockeys to play specific songs. This was illegal, and ruined the career of star disc jockey Alan Freed (and others) when he testified that he had accepted payola.

Bernie Goetz – Goetz was attacked by four men on a subway in New York City in 1984. Goetz shot his four attackers, rendering one a paraplegic and seriously wounding the other three. He was arrested and charged with attempted murder, assault, reckless endangerment, and multiple gun law violations. A jury found him not guilty on nearly every charge. He did spend eight months in jail as a result of being found guilty of a firearms violation. The Goetz incident gained national exposure to the topics of crime and self-defense.

** Lyrics for We Didn’t Start the Fire **

We Didn’t Start the Fire

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenbergs, H-bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, The King and I and The Catcher in the Rye

Eisenhower, vaccine, England’s got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye

CHORUS
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc

Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, dacron
Dien Bien Phu falls, Rock Around the Clock

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn’s got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland

Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Krushchev
Princess Grace, Peyton Place, trouble in the Suez

CHORUS

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Zhou Enlai, Bridge on the River Kwai

Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkweather homicide, children of thalidomide

Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, space monkey, Mafia
Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go

U-2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo

CHORUS

Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion

Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson

Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex
JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say

CHORUS

Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, terror on the airline
Ayatollah’s in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan

Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China’s under martial law
Rock and roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore

CHORUS

We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on

One day in the waning years of the last century, my friend Linda S loaned me the book Burglars Can’t Be Choosers. This small act has had a big impact. This book introduced me to Bernie Rhodenbarr and his creator, the author Lawrence Block. Over the course of a decade, he has become firmly entrenched as my favorite writer.

Block has several majors characters, and I ended up reading dozens of his books. First, let’s take a look at his characters.

Bernie Rhodenbarr

Bernie is a bookstore owner. He is also a part time burglar (thus all of his books contain that word). Bernie is semi-retired from the profession (mostly due to a distaste from the “free government housing” fringe benefit of the job). Nowadays, Bernie only takes the occasional job from a friend (or friend of a friend).

Unfortunately for Bernie, he has a tendency to stumble across murders, and usually ends up as the prime suspect. He has to figure out who the real killer in order to get off the hook.

Bernie’s books also feature his friend Carolyn (a lesbian who owns a pet grooming service) and his cat, Raffles. The books are very funny, and are my favorite of Block’s books.

There are ten books in the Burglar series, published between 1977 and 2004. I have read all of them. We should be seeing another one soon, right?

One of the books was turned into the movie “Burglar”, starring Whoopi Goldberg. Don’t blame Block for the movie, though. He didn’t like it, either.

Matthew Scudder

The Scudder books are a complete 180 degree turn from the Burglar books. The Burglar books are quite funny, whereas the Scudder books are devoid of humor.

Matthew Scudder is a former cop who now works as an unlicensed private investigator. He is also a sober alcoholic, so he generally finds the time to attend a couple of AA meetings during the course of a book.

The Scudder books have a tendency to be violent, especially when he is hanging out with his friend Mick Ballou, a bar owner/criminal (probably not the best situation for a guy fighting alcoholism, but Mick is an old friend). Scudder’s moral compass tends to point fairly close to north, though. He does some bad things, but he does them for the right reasons.

Scudder’s significant other is Elaine. Elaine and Scudder have a long history. They met when Elaine was a high priced hooker and Scudder was a young cop. Midway through the series, we are introduced to TJ, a kid with street smarts who proves very valuable to Scudder.

There are sixteen books in the Scudder series, published between 1976 and 2005. I have read all sixteen.

Evan Tanner
Tanner served in the Korean war and suffered a serious injury. The result was that the “sleep center” in his brain was damaged. This means that Tanner never sleeps – literally.

Tanner ends up as a spy, where his ability to be awake all the time is very useful. Tanner’s job take him all around the world.

I’ve read a couple of the Tanner novels, but they didn’t grab me. They weren’t bad, they simply didn’t have that ge na sais quoi of the Burglar and Scudder novels (those guys set the bar pretty high). I actively read a billion authors (well, maybe twelve) and Tanner’s books just miss the cut, unfortunately.

There are eight novels in the Tanner series. Seven were written between 1966 and 1970, and the last was written in 1998. That book – Tanner on Ice – features Tanner being awaken from a cryogenic state.

I have not read all of Block’s book. Here are some of his other characters:

Keller – A professional hit man. I have read one of the Keller books. They just aren’t my type of book. There are four Keller novels, published between 1998 and 2008.

Chip Harrison – There are four books in the Chip Harrison series, all published between 1970 and 1975.

Paul Kavanaugh – There are three books in the Paul Kavanaugh series, published between 1969 and 1974.

Other novels – Block has also written a variety of novels (and novellas) that are not a part of a particular series. Some of these have been published in collections. This is a great way to acquire multiple books for a good price.

Books for writers – Block has written four books for writers – Writing the Novel from Plot to Print (1979), Telling Lies for Fun and Profit (1981), Write for Your life (1986), and Spider, Spin Me a Web (1987). I have read Telling Lies and Spider, and they are great books for the aspiring writer.

Enough Rope
Enough Rope is a collection of short stories. It is a massive book, nearly 900 pages in hardcover. I originally received a paperback version of this book as a gift. I quickly realized that this book would be a companion for life, and purchased the hardcover copy (lending the paperback copy to the communal library at my office). You will see many of the characters from Block’s novels also appear in the short stories, as well as several stories about lawyer Martin Ehrengraf. If you’re not sure which of the Block characters you will like, this book would be a good place to start.

There are also a lot of free-standing stories in the collection. All of the stories can be read in one sitting. Two of my favorites are Cleveland in My Dreams and Funny You Should Ask.

If you only purchase one Lawrence Block book, buy Enough Rope (I would recommend buying several books, of course).

The man
Lawrence Block is now 70 years old. In addition to writing, he competes in distance walking (24 hour races, marathons, ultramarathons). You can buy signed copies of his books – and keep up with his exploits – at LawrenceBlock.com

Lawrence Block Enough Rope